I know I've failed you on so many levels, so many times. 

God I'm sorry for not trusting you, your will or your plan for me at all. 

I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, and been running because I've felt unworthy of being in your presence, and kept being unworthy without changing everything. 

I'm sorry i've been using anything as a pretext for avoiding your word and your will.

I'm sorry I don't pray properly, and let my mind drift all the time in church, which is usually the only time of the week I pray. 

Help me to abide and dwell in you once more, because without your wisdom and guidance, I've just been fucking up my life. 

I hate fucking up my life. 

Dear God, I know it may be a tough ask, but I think you know what I want to ask. 

But, a better me at least? one that won't destroy the second chance? 

To a softer heart, and a discerning spirit and soul. God I ask for you to make me the true healer I try so hard to be sometimes, misguided in my martyr like quest. Yes God, give me humility and true non-gloryhunting selflessness. Let me crusade, but not be a crusader. 

Also, heal the hurt. Pick me up and fill me with your love. Airdrop some packages into my life, like I guess you've been doing all this while. I think you know I need some more than ever. 

Save me Lord Jesus. 

Your most pathetic fickle servant. 

Ian 

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.