So often, its just me putting up a show. For what purpose I don't know. I mean, I guess today I was trying to be nice. In a way, cause of how tortuous it was, it took any frustrated malice I had out of it, but he missed the point.
At least its not me trying to show off. Well, at least not today.
No I don't get why I let myself be the joke. I'm not someone who will naturally draw laughs, not anymore. I don't have to. I enjoy it in a peverse way that makes me feel like a freak. It scares me a little, I shouldn't be like this.
It just makes people harder to talk to me, harder to know me. I guess, its a funny way of keeping my distance, but sometimes when I want to know someone better, its not so easy to turn it off.
Sigh.
People change you see, and sometimes you start to see them different. But though people change, their impressions of you won't change that easily.
I think if I met myself, and didn't recognize myself, I would dislike myself, for always hiding. For covering my insecurities weakly with flashy behaviour.
For not being able to be who I am, because I'm too weak.
Somehow the scary thing is that not everyone dislikes me for putting up a facade, but for my facade.
in those cases, I just wonder, whats the freaking point anyway.
Why do I feel like I need to hide?
I don't know.
