Today's the day for me.

Today's the day when I remember all the shit I had to take.

Today I remember all the times she blew up at me for no reason. All the times I was made to feel worthless, and the way she sort of strung me along. All the anxious minutes I spent trying to pacify her for being irrational, the sorrys and the tears.

The worrying for her and the slow acceptance of things, terrible things. The way I stood and listened, and told her things were going to be alright.

The way she just thought it was fine, and she had better things in life to worry about than me, when I was stranded outside my house, with a full blown headache and sat there for two hours. Yeah.

The way she never trusted me, the way she called me nice, and said she felt bad about the way she treated me, but never did anything to change that.

How a "you look tired today" was supposed to mean that I didn't like her looking tired, and expected her to be cheerful all the time. How I became a manipulative scheming monster when I never lied to her.

The holding back, versus the openness that I put out.

The time when she just simply said I wasn't good enough. That I should fucking hell, aim lower.

Emotional blackmail eh?

All the little ways I bent over for her, and how she put all of the little ways she bent over into a long stupid blogpost and categorized them into "all the shit i did for him"

The insults, the bigotry. I tolerated all of that.

I think I only ever got one proper sorry from her.

I remember, how she called the first time, texted the second time, and just told me to fuck off the third time.

How she does all that shit, and I told her it was fine. And how I just became a bitch, and she couldn't be friends with people who did shit like that.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

And after all of that, just because she blew up with me, and I blew up at her once, just once. She just thought it was okay to tell lies about me behind my back. Where no one would be able to challenge her, just so she could get her sympathy.

Yeah, she lied about me to get approval.

How stupid and rubbish, not even directed at her was verbal abuse, when I was a bitch in that same conversation, for something she didn't even understand, and how later I was you know, fucking creepy.

How she lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.

And I lie too. I lie about her.

I lie so that people don't judge her. I lie about things. I lie to keep her secrets. And I'll keep lying.

Because I just need some me time. For once.

And I love her. So so much.

So tell me, who watches the guards?