Somebody come save me.
Again, those caustic words I don't even bother replying.
Because there's no use.
What I say will not stop them, and won't make it better.
But one day I will say something.
You know what he said?
He said, You'll get your phone back when I feel like it, because its MY money that you are spending. If you don't want to wait you can go ask god, see if he gives you a phone. Maybe an iphone if you're lucky, maybe it'll just drop out of the sky.
How the hell am I supposed to reply to that?
As if this is the only time.
Everytime, its always about HIM. HIS money. Work hard for HIM. Study for HIM. Listen to HIM. Do that because HE says so. Because HE pays for my food, lodging, and brought me up and not God, and if I wasn't happy about that I could just get out of HIS house and see whether or not I would starve or if God would feed me.
What the hell am I supposed to do.
Oh its not just him.
Its her. Yes her too. Well she doesn't mock the religion that we share at least. But she's every bit as megalomaniacal as he is. Using the exact same logic. Because I say so. Because I feel that you use your damned phone too much. This naturally progresses into "fact". As in, you are using your phone too much. You see the thing about him is that he doesnt usually care unless something happens right under his nose.
The thing about her is that she is everywhere. Always there. Constant buzzing. Like static. If static could kidnap your handphones. And severely piss you off and screw up your entire life.
And yet she complains about him and they argue over the fact that he wants things done his way all the time.
Well yes its unreasonable, but the point is the she wants things done her way all the time.
And we. or me. Just sit here all the time, feeling horribly suffocated in between the two of them. Nowhere to breathe.
Parenting is about whats best for your children. Not an unending battle of egos.
Screw it.
Fuck it.
The way they've been arguing it may come to a split.
And when and if it does, its going to be a case of choosing the lesser of two evils.
I don't know how I will choose.
I don't know if I can.
I just want to get the hell out of here. Live a normal life. with normal expectations, and try to claim back whatever little of a normal childhood or adolescence I have left.
I shouldn't need to fight for shit like this.
Why do I love to play soccer so much?
Because I never played it as a kid.
Why do I love to play games so much?
Because I didn't get to play them. In a way still don't
Why do I love music?
Because I was stuck on the piano for hours and hours and hours since I was kid. And I understand it. The piano and music.
But pop music is a liberation from rote practice of classical music. And thus I love it.
Why do I abhor studies?
Because I thats my childhood, that turned me into the socially awkward freak I guess in many ways I still am.
Why do I want love so much? Why am I so freaking insecure about it, or its absence?
Maybe cause I never got fucking enough.
Labels: open letter
