I spend my life to know, that I'm far from close to all you are, Lord Father.

And perhaps now I need you more than ever, and I thank you that when I turn to you, you are still there.

I've just been so dry and foolish for the past few months, so away from God, for no reason. For nothing, only one excuse after another. Studying, I'm too tired now after studying, I need to unwind, I don't need distractions. Oh the irony. And the sadness of it all.

I think its disappointing to say the least and even scary that this still happened after staying relatively close with God up until february at least this year. I better put in a better run, and maybe this time it won't just be a run.

I told myself to at least prepare for the camp. You know, to spam reading the Bible to "make up" for all the lost time before I went for it. But those excuses came up time and time again. And I didn't touch the Bible.

The camp was special, most of them are if not all of them.

But I found myself praying for the first time in months, and not being distracted at all, not having to crush a stupid doubt in my head, or to find myself thinking about other things. It's one thing to hold on to an event and use it as proof that God is real.

It's another thing to feel his presence and to just know he's there, watching over you and loving you in the midst of your iniquity and hopeless bullshit. The peace it brought to me was just.

i felt so lifted.

And its a good thing I haven't gone far from his presence in these few days.

No but really, this song is special.

It's not like other songs. Not like I surrender all. I am yours.

It's a cry.

A cry of weakness, a cry of imperfection. But yet, a cry of hope.

Maybe its hard for some to know that we'll never be good enough.

But its just about the only thing that can hit me so hard now I suppose.

And there is nothing that could ever separate us.

There is nothing, that could ever separate us from His love.

No life, no death, of this I am convinced.

You my God, are greater still.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here, and believe that there is nothing left to fear.

That you alone are high above it all,

for you my God, are greater still.

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.