I guess this was coming, but not like this.

I always knew I was going to have to give up drama at some point in my life, but I think this is the point where I stop.

I realised I d0n't actually care that much about acting anymore. Haven't for a while actually.

What probably kept me going and doing it was the people around me, the family.

Or at least the illusion of a family until it was all torn down.

But yeah, I'm not an actor anymore.

Drama has always been painful for me. In a way it came naturally to me, portraying characters and walking around in their shoes, yet everything else hurt.

Inconsistency.

That's the price of being a unfathomable genius who plies their craft by gut feelings.

It's excusable, but not if you lack that otherworldly edge.

And so I did.

And self doubt would hit me so hard at times, even after I thought I would finally be free of it after last year.

And it's finally got to me perhaps.

Nah.

Was never going to happen anyway.

A little part of me died last night, and I sang it songs as it sailed down that river.

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.