Me and my fucked up self.

Keeps fucking up my life.

Arrogance.

Pride.

It keeps killing me and coming back to bite me in the ass. Me, being too honest in the wrong ways, and at the same time.

No.

It's just that I'm stupidly out of touch with the world. I don't know my place in it. If I keep refusing to play by the rules by virtue of my own pride it will be the end of me. I crashed rock in a last minute panicked frenzy because I thought that it's a possibility that I wouldn't get into jazz. I ignored the advice of everyone else to do the sensible thing and lie to them that rock to me was my second choice. Now cause my naivety and obstinacy I'm stuck in limbo without a backup when I could have easily gotten into rock. Now I'm waiting for jazz results, if I don't get in I'm essentially screwed.

You know what the worst part is? I don't even want jazz anymore. I didn't check out rock, and I thought that jazz would help me more. But jazz just seems so stuffy and after the rock auditions I realised that the people really made me feel at home.

Fuck it. I want rock now. Even if I get into jazz I'll be unhappy for the next to years.

Ironically it means the only way for me to be happy is to endure the humiliation of rejection and go for the second round of auditions, say sorry and hope they take me.

Even worse, I feel like ignoring jazz if I get in and going for the second round of auditions anyway. I'm fickle stupid and retarded like that.

I'm so messed up, I've already planned my second rock audition song.

And yes, I'm operating under the assumption that I'm good enough for rock and that I'll be good enough again with another song, cause I'm fucking talented.