It's like my heart is set on moving on. And is throwing me in random directions.

But I won't let it. It's completely ridiculous. It'll only end up with me in trouble, and possibly losing the very very precious few friends I have left.

And there are. A few.

Because in a way my heart; my romantic feelings have died.

But it doesn't mean I don't feel anything.

There's more to this than plain romantic feelings, and it's for the best anyway. This way I truly don't need her to be anything.

Because love is something you do, I realized, with your head and not your heart.

The heart has it's fantasies, and has it's silly notions. It takes you random places. And it takes you high.

The head anchors. It keeps you rooted to the ground. It's the brakes, and if you remove the brakes, then you go everywhere.

But yes. The head anchors. Because the thing that ties me here is worth more than stupid fanciful notions of happy ever after.

So what the fuck do I do on Sunday?

I don't know. I can't demand a reply. But if I don't how the hell do I know whether what I'm doing is right. Indecision indeed.

*****************************************

I felt very at ease today. Sitting there for that moment chatting away comfortably with my legs rested barbarically on the seat in front of me, and crossed too, while she did the same felt great. I felt so comfortable.

Too comfortable maybe.

Hah. That's one thing I wouldn't be able to write if someone read this blog, but she doesn't. I think. She might come here fishing for comments about her play though. Which would be bad. But she wont.

I think.

Eh I gotta make a proper friend out of this girl. Properer friend lor.

It's funny when I think back to the most awkward moment of the night, when a utterly directionless and not well thought out comment from her directed the attentions of everyone onto me while she tried to explain a second time, the joke that didn't work. Upon which she dismissed the gazes of everyone with a "never mind"

Slightly embarrassing for me, but hey. Very funny.

That, I've done that too many times.

I felt great. Better than I've been in a long long while.