And expect them to be well. Fragmenty.

*****************************************************

I really don't know what to do about that girl. She promised to write. She said sorry for ignoring me. But she still hasn't written.

I didn't ask her to.

Well not at first.

But she said she would. And I reminded her. And she said yes. She would.

She's busy. But that's no excuse is it?

Well am I supposed to go out there and yank her back? Or send her some awkward letter to guilt trip her?

I mean.

There isn't a point if I have to guilt trip her into doing it right?

So is this it? The break point?

Maybe I'm too melodramatic, maybe I'm too concerned, with who falls within my care and who doesn't. Because its so troublesome for the people within my care, but its supposed to be worth it.

It's what I tell myself.

And it scares me whenever one of these people well. Start to go bad.

And I wonder if I've made the wrong choice.

Fear.

Is a powerful thing.

It drives people to do horrible drastic things.

I'm one of those people. So I catch myself again and again, but the horror is that after stopping and thinking. It's not an Ian you are so stupid. It's an I don't know.

To think that absolute devotion (hah) at least treating someone like they had my absolute devotion and completely stonewalling them and avoiding them like poison is separated by so fine a line.

It might all just come down to my mood one day.

No.

What scares me is that I might do it to someone else.

I'm not making much sense here right?

I just don't know who to trust anymore.

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.