Cause there's only so much people can do for me.

And to seriously make plans for bar singing.

So.

I think I'm not really in that big a creative block.

It's really been too long already.

writing wise, I just feel like I can't top that previous thing.

Which is defeatist.

But all the same, I'm not trying.

I need to get off my ass and write something.

Starting today.

That's right Ian, it's one long lonely road.

I'm facing what's possibly the most important event in my life.

And it's going to happen tomorrow.

My cheesy song better not fail me.

I really don't feel like writing a bridge.

Should I?

Sigh.

What if she's not offering me that?

But just you know, wants to counsel me or something.

Very possible.

I musn't disappoint.

Musn't.

Can't.

Won't.

Any attempts to impress probably won't work.

I mean.

.........

Stop.

Believe.

Don't think.

Pray.

Believe.

Do.

She read it.

She read it.

She read it.

BUT SHIT.

SHIT

SHIT.

I totally overstated everything I had.

I'm an idiot.

3 or 4 of worth?

okay

shit

shit

shit

shit

shit/

Because.

What if they're not?

Don't blow this.

I was so happy just now.

BUT SHIT.

I'm nervous.

Nervous is bad.

Gotta.

Um.

Calm

down.

Which is not possible.

First step on a long road to endless possibilities.

SHIT.

God help me.

I don't love music for no reason right?

Totally grasping at straws here.

Anything.

This could be it.

Suck it up little soldier,

you do not look like an angel.

Ever listened to Taylor Swift and wished she did something other than spout silly romantic ditties about falling in love, and some well not so teenage?

That moment has arrived.

And I am stunned.

This is amazing.

I get angry at my stupid strategy games when things don't work out like they should.

When things don't make sense.

At the same time, I rage when my glasses aren't where they should be.

I'm not even talking about rage.

I'm talking about shouting in anger and frustration at my computer, talking to virtual football players who can neither hear or respond to my exhortations.

Smacking bolsters against the floor in futility. Smashing it against the glass table in my room, knowing that it may break it, and not caring.

Screaming.

Threatening the gods of the game, who dare to defy me, and logic itself.

Yes, it's not harmless. It's fucking psychotic.

If my amateur psychological assessment isn't wrong, it stems from a need for control.

A psychotic need for control.

A need, to have things be where they should be, to have things happen as they should be. For the world to make sense.

I need to fix this before it kills me.

Or hurts someone.

Is that the key?

It's a good thing that no one lacks enough sense to open my door.

Addictions to alternate realities stem from a dislike, hate or rejection of the one that exists.

Could it be that I'm just sick of it all?

Maybe.

But sometimes I wish it wasn't all up to me to run around and piece it together.

Like dammit guys, a little reminder about my reasons wouldn't hurt.

This need for affirmation, it will kill me one day.

***************************

It's no secret that who I am hates who I've been but most of the time I just push that person behind me. Far behind.

I have a confession to make, but one reason why I cannot stand my brother is because he represents to me everything that I could have been. With all the flaws that don't make him a bad person, but a simply annoying one.

Sometimes it hits me square in the face when someone says something. Like how she did.

I don't blame her, I mean she hasn't interacted with me at length since I was twelve.

But I never want to hear something like that again.

"not in front of Ian"

Sigh.

I'm too big on revenge.

I gotta stand up for myself, but it almost always goes too far.

My theme for this year is forgiveness.

I'll start off with one person.

Bastard.

Okay, so that was a fail attempt.

But I'll try to make peace.

And let it grow from there.

and I've only got over 300 days to do it.

and drag you through the golden gates if I have to.

I promise.

**********************************************

I talk about him all the time.

But in the end I'm still a coward.

Just not as much as he is.

Doesn't make me much better.

Never means a lot.

Forever and never.

When you say you'll do something never, it's as bad as forever.

Or as good.

At least that's what it's supposed to mean.

What does it mean.

Never.

I'll never be good enough?

I'm probably reading too much into it.

I get hurt too easy.

I don't smile.

I'm too selfish to smile.

I used to once.

I'm too scared of getting hurt.

Just a chance?

Keep dreaming.

So hard for me to realise that I can't help.

It's not an unwilling heart, but just a lack of tact, a lack of connection perhaps.

I'd take, if only they'd let me.

If you can't heal Ian, what in the name of God's green earth are you here for.

I'd take it all.

That's just the first problem I have with you.

When you're with me in school, you have to take sides.

You're forced to, because I divide opinion in that stupid place.

Maybe it's my fault, but by all means, if you won't stand by me, then don't expect me to be your friend. Go. Join the rest. I won't miss you, because what's the point of you being here if you don't have anything to show for it.

Yeah, I went overboard with the last point.

But seriously.

Don't expect me to shake the hand that you draped over the shoulder of my mortal enemy.

But that bring's us back to the point doesn't it.

Why on earth would you ever care about the other people if you thought they were treating me unjustly.

Because you don't.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to think they have the right to do what they do.

Hmm, that would mean there's just something horrible about me right?

By the way, I used the word abhorrent twice in that conversation. I think that's the only word I know that conveys up the sense of horror and hatred that I have towards those repugnant beings.

They are abhorrent. Fucking abhorrent. The most abhorrent human beings I believe exist on the planet, psychopathic murderers and unhinged madmen aside.

But no.

They're alright.

It's me.

It's all me.

I refuse to believe that. And if you're right, maybe I'll wake up and see the massive truth one day and I'll thank you for reaching me out of there.

Just don't expect me to be nice to someone who thinks I'm fucking crazy, or retarded, or semi-autistic or something.

I'm not from your world.

And not your friend until you let me be.

You're useless, and well intent doesn't mean shite to most people.

So pray dammit.

Pray.

Funny ain't it.

*******************************

God help us all.

Carissa Rae. Hmm.

Need to check her out.

As he would later find out, much.

Too much.

He slid past the slow-moving couple, the kind that you see, walk behind and curse at on every pavement and couldn't help but crack a wry smile when he saw the big bold words in electric blue font on the back of the guy's sports shirt :

Just makes you wonder why they don't give a shit about whacking up someone else with their own hopes and dreams.

And stabbing those hopes and dreams right in the back .

You know what Arjun Jayaraman. You're a bitch. And if you get to play with Simple Plan, that would be one of the greatest injustices in the world.

May you one day google search this and find this.

Here's a fuck you and a middle finger to your face.

And you know you deserve it.

******************************************

I don't really know where I'm going, but I hope it's for the best.

And I hope I never lose this part of me.

I'm scared that I don't feel the urge to write as much as before.

Not so much because I might look back one day and find a blank, instead of being able to slip back into the mind of my previous self, but rather if even things like my unhealthy dependence on this place for my sanity can change, what else will?

At least its comforting to know that the things I treasure the most aren't lost on everyone else.

I hope.

To a better year, and a better me.

So cool right, just find a few words that sum up your life philosophy, enter them into google translate, and translate to latin. If you don't like the words, then use synonyms.

For a better tomorrow.

I can take it if you need to take it, out on someone.

Another year.

I don't know what's coming next. But I have a feeling it's going to be good.

Who knows, maybe once again, I'll venture into the unknown, and end up an outcast.

But no.

It's not going to happen this time.

Right?

I wonder if I've changed enough to change that.

Keep a low profile, and everything will be fine.

Right...?

Too many questions, too little answers.

It doesn't matter. At least not that much.

Because I have hope.

I think.

Content is the word of the moment. Perhaps too content. After all, I got home today and I felt like doing absolutely nothing. One month ago I would've turned my computer on and did something highly unproductive but I just sat on my bed and stared at the ceiling for a while.

Okay, that's not a good thing, I'm pretty sure it's what normal people would call laziness.

All the same, hmmmmmmmm

The horror, I might even start watching tv again.

Then again, I did just watch the last 15 minutes of my super ex-girlfriend : A cheesy show that airs multiple times a year on channel five that can evoke a chuckle from me by merit of it's name alone (I've always wanted to watch it but somehow I have missed it til today.)

One more item off my bucket list.

:D

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.