It's like I'm willing to give, partly because I need people to give to me. 

I think it's a little perverse if you look at it that way. 

It's like I'm helping others because I need them to help me. 

And the only reason why I'm altruistic is because I know that chances are they are unlikely to help me back, but my extensive need for help just makes me offer out my help in desperation. 

That one day a hand might reach back.

Now that's a fucked up theory that dismisses me as selfish and overly needy. 

Traits that I have constantly slammed myself for possessing. 

But no, not to that extent. 

***********************

You see my dear, people don't change but they do grow up. 

Some never grow up. 

But that's the thing, i am different and don't you deny it. 

I'll even put it to you that I things weren't the way you saw them back then, but that's a lost cause .

So instead I'll put it to you. 

I've grown up. 

You're running from a phantom. As in. 

There's more to me than that, why won't you see? 

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.