Now I'm just somebody that i used to know.
Labels: music
|
Starstruck
|
|
|
Because Cute, Smart, and Funny don't mean a thing
The above was supposed to be the real title, but trust me the blogskin screwed up on meLiving life to the fullest And I won't say anything at all. To all the lovely bitches like you Get your boots on |
|
|
unbeatable - Wednesday, February 29, 2012 @ 11:10 PM
|
|
|
This incongruity - @ 10:45 PM
It can't be that easy.
It isn't that easy. I know it should be that way, at the same time I know it shouldn't. My head tells me it doesn't make sense at first, then I get a scary sinking gut feeling that I just can't shake. Why does something right inspire such strong feelings of wrongness within me? Surrender. To God. It freaks me out. Seeing people just subjugate their will freaks me out too. I know I should. On some level you see. That's the thing. Because it freaks me out on every other level. And it's why I've been running. And running and running. Not purely because it freaks me out, but also because it freaks me out that I'm freaked out by it too. If you get what I mean. I'm confused as to why I feel this way and until I sort that out, it's going to be extremely difficult to go back. that's the second problem, I'm not really there anymore. and everytime I get a thought like this, I pray "God help me" and then proceed to ignore him for the next week until something else catches my eye. Fuck you Ian, fuck you and your rubbish. *************************************** It partly stems from the fact that I'm not convinced I'm going to like what God has in store for me. I don't know. He knows best yeah, but I have my wishes and dreams and what if it goes against what He wants? I mean forgive me if I'm wrong, but I freaking hate most of my life, and He planned most of it no? So what makes you so sure that I'm going to love what comes next? Fuck me I'm bitter. ********************************** You still wouldn't change any of it, would you? Yeah I guess dude, except that I wished I wasn't so naive two weeks ago. Or was it one week. Dammit only one week. I don't want to know. This had better work out somehow. Cause it's taken so much of my energy and will. I hate this shit.
|
|
|
Where the #@!*$ did they make this - @ 8:56 PM
How can I hate something so much,
but yet, still devote my heart and soul to it. No, wipe that grin off your face, it's not a girl. It's football manager. The people who made this game..... are such geniuses. Such twisted geniuses. I want to kill them. Gah
|
|
|
Breathe in for luck - Sunday, February 26, 2012 @ 8:09 PM
I'm tired.
My head hurts. I feel like I could collapse any moment. But this heart of mine is whole and fine. I am Content. Days like these should last. Forever (: ****************************************** I'm sorry I haven't told you much about my life lately my friend. I've been giving you pictures and vague glimpses of various things. So maybe it's time I wrote a little more. But where can I start? For one I've been uselessly adrift, things are starting to go wrong in my life and once again, it seems like it's the absence of God. yet on another level, things are fine. My class doesn't hate me and I'm actually getting along with almost everyone, I'm making new friends and things are mostly swimmingly with the ones I already do. mostly. On the other hand, my creative juicies have stalled, and are still stalling, on every front. I've not written a story since the 7th day, (plenty of half stories and one nonsense narration though) not a song since christmas, and even then, that was only half a song. My blogging style has changed for the worse too, and I don't know why I can't trust you with as much as before. I've also stopped my obsessive labelling. I'm not quite the same person I was six, five or even three months ago. It's been too fast. and I don't know how much more it's going to be. Don't let me forget who I am. Don't let me lose what matters most. What does matter most? I don't know.
|
|
|
Not quite - Friday, February 24, 2012 @ 7:18 PM
I said I would move on.
But I didn't I'm an idiot like that. Seeing all those faces up there and thinking that I could and should've been there too hit me so hard. Why did I fall at that hurdle? Why didn't I take that chance back in? Why did I say that i would move on, be done with drama and open a new chapter in life. And in the end find myself adrift. Alone. Without anything. So I was wrong, people aren't the only key to happiness in my life. fucking sad but true. But they'll help me get through this. ********************************************** Music does too. This song makes me so happy. So kill me. Labels: music |
|
|
the last time - Wednesday, February 22, 2012 @ 4:01 PM
This is the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time.
Take me away to this summer. Labels: music |
|
|
Hope, dangles like a string - @ 2:30 PM
This keeps happening.
Me and my fucked up self. Keeps fucking up my life. Arrogance. Pride. It keeps killing me and coming back to bite me in the ass. Me, being too honest in the wrong ways, and at the same time. No. It's just that I'm stupidly out of touch with the world. I don't know my place in it. If I keep refusing to play by the rules by virtue of my own pride it will be the end of me. I crashed rock in a last minute panicked frenzy because I thought that it's a possibility that I wouldn't get into jazz. I ignored the advice of everyone else to do the sensible thing and lie to them that rock to me was my second choice. Now cause my naivety and obstinacy I'm stuck in limbo without a backup when I could have easily gotten into rock. Now I'm waiting for jazz results, if I don't get in I'm essentially screwed. You know what the worst part is? I don't even want jazz anymore. I didn't check out rock, and I thought that jazz would help me more. But jazz just seems so stuffy and after the rock auditions I realised that the people really made me feel at home. Fuck it. I want rock now. Even if I get into jazz I'll be unhappy for the next to years. Ironically it means the only way for me to be happy is to endure the humiliation of rejection and go for the second round of auditions, say sorry and hope they take me. Even worse, I feel like ignoring jazz if I get in and going for the second round of auditions anyway. I'm fickle stupid and retarded like that. I'm so messed up, I've already planned my second rock audition song. And yes, I'm operating under the assumption that I'm good enough for rock and that I'll be good enough again with another song, cause I'm fucking talented. Labels: music |
|
|
Trust me, 50 metres out and they all look the same - @ 12:06 AM
The following two days of my life have been largely eventful.
For one I roared at a chicken. To the uninitiated, chicken roaring is a highly entertaining action that will certainly um garner attention and loathing from certain members of the public; for instance, the chicken and that insignificant foreign worker on the street who looked away and stopped staring when I glanced in his direction. Should the glance fail to deter any such insignificant starers, do proceed to roar at them as well. Roaring is well, roaring. How else do you describe it really? You open your damned mouth and you go "rawwrrrr" murderously at the roaree. The roaree in this case being the chicken. If there are no chickens available, um roar at your friends for practice, they will surely be amazed when you finally chance upon the opportunity to display your full techniques on an actual chicken. To the non-compliant, you may wish to advise them to squawk, cluck and flap their arms and waddle about like an actual chicken, everyone else should already know to do this. I assure you, it is highly intimidating. The chicken seemed to think so, at least with it's occasional nervous glances over it's back when I began roaring, and the rest of it's chicken brethren began to similarly move away from me. For the bucket lists of those who truly live their lives to the fullest : Chicken roaring.
|
|
|
Just a little too immature - Tuesday, February 21, 2012 @ 12:56 AM
My arrogance always comes back and bites me in the ass where it hurts the most.
%)!@(#%)@( I always have a back up plan, but this time I said ahhh forget it. And it just might come back to haunt me. Dumb shit. Dear God, let me get into Jazz. ): Pretty please..?
|
|
|
Forget you - Friday, February 17, 2012 @ 11:03 PM
I thought you didn't like me?
What's that arm supposed to mean? After all that shit you've thrown at me. All the rejection. And the hurt. And the bullshit. So I'm supposed to take it now? Is that a sorry? You don't mean it. Bitch. So fuck off. All of you. |
|
|
No, just no - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 @ 6:45 PM
Back off you bitch.
Don't you dare touch my sister. She deserves a fucking lot better than the likes of you. |
|
|
Don't leave me behind - @ 3:06 PM
Never.
|
|
|
Don't turn away - Saturday, February 11, 2012 @ 9:47 PM
|
|
|
Another Chapter - Thursday, February 9, 2012 @ 6:02 PM
Seems that I've turned a page on another part of my life two years earlier than I expected.
I guess this was coming, but not like this. I always knew I was going to have to give up drama at some point in my life, but I think this is the point where I stop. I realised I d0n't actually care that much about acting anymore. Haven't for a while actually. What probably kept me going and doing it was the people around me, the family. Or at least the illusion of a family until it was all torn down. But yeah, I'm not an actor anymore. Drama has always been painful for me. In a way it came naturally to me, portraying characters and walking around in their shoes, yet everything else hurt. Inconsistency. That's the price of being a unfathomable genius who plies their craft by gut feelings. It's excusable, but not if you lack that otherworldly edge. And so I did. And self doubt would hit me so hard at times, even after I thought I would finally be free of it after last year. And it's finally got to me perhaps. Nah. Was never going to happen anyway. A little part of me died last night, and I sang it songs as it sailed down that river.
|
|
|
Adrift - Wednesday, February 8, 2012 @ 9:01 PM
Things are just happening.
But I'm lost. I don't know why. I'm stupidly waiting for someone again. Not someone, but as in. Anyone to come talk to me. I just don't feel. Right. |
|
|
What sorcery is this - Tuesday, February 7, 2012 @ 8:51 PM
So for now, everything is falling into place.
Everything except drama. Somehow I don't really care, especially since my enthusiasm for drama has been on the wane anyhow. I've ended up in a class of slackers who hate math and chinese, and all have lovely wonderful side interests (READ: MUSIC AND DRAMA) which makes them interesting jamming buddies and conversationalists. Also, they are totally not muggers/dead fish. I think I've found myself a wonderfully talented duet buddy too. Yet life sucks. Well not really, I just don't feel happy. I'm slowly withdrawing from my circle of friends. I'm not really withdrawing, just losing the motivation to talk to them anymore. My zest for life, no longer very evident. I've been tired mostly. It's not that I suddenly don't want to talk to people, i've just been too tired to talk to more than one person a day. This had better be temporary orientation hangover. Sigh.
|
|
|
Slackers like us - Monday, February 6, 2012 @ 10:40 PM
I've finally done it.
I've finally been put in a class full of people who don't care that much about their studies. People who cultivate their artsy side and have their own interests. Finally, I've been put in a class of girls. Jc is going to be awesome. XD
|
|
|
You'll be with me - Saturday, February 4, 2012 @ 12:03 AM
I love the song.
I think it's beautiful. But yet when everyone starts singing it, something else happens. And it scares me. It's a song for the entire level to song, for over a thousand people to share. For them to bind their hopes and dreams together. It's a wonderfully written ballad, and everyone puts their arms around each other and sways to the song in unison. Beautiful. Except when they start to jump to the ridiculously slow song and to party and go crazy. I don't go along with them, because I can't, because it's just too unnatural for me. So I snap out of it and I really see. I see a thousand lonely people, all looking for hearts to hold, who would take any chance and anything to ease the loneliness inside. And that scares me. dear God, truly you are the only one who we need and the only one who can make us whole, no matter how much it may seem otherwise all the time. And help me to live that. Cause I can't. Not by myself.
|
|
|
This mess of a dreamer - Thursday, February 2, 2012 @ 11:31 PM
There's nothing more I like than to get inside someone else's head.
That's an expression you dolt. Lol. I'm the type of person who will absolutely devour blogs, more so if I vaguely know who writes on it. The blog doesn't have to be funny, the only criteria for me is sincerity and openness. Perhaps its just voyeuristic, but really the most interesting thing to observe in the world are simply people. Sometimes its like watching ants on the ground, wild flailing patterns that you can only barely understand, but of course, infinitely more interesting. Not always more comprehensible though. At other times, it's like sitting on a hillside, staring in awe at a massive thundercloud racing across the sky, blotting out the sun, unstoppable and powerful. Yet, the ones that draw my attention the most are the stories. The stories to be told, the one's that have people in them. The ones that mean something to the people who wrote them. I can't surely be the only one who finds it refreshing to take a break from my own thought process once in awhile. Yet the moment I emerge, I begin to judge them naturally. I wonder if anyone is judging me now. All I can say is dear reader, read far and read back. This is a part of me. |
|
|
Magic - @ 11:02 PM
Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything at all.
If I count for anything anywhere. At least to her. Sigh.
|
|
|
Strawberry Ice Cream, never ever ever - @ 10:22 PM
So he came up to me and joked about me as he always did. In that way.
He treated me like a little kid, someone to make fun of, not really an equal, but at the same time, it wasn't malicious like the rest of them were. It was real fun. Patronizing fun, but fun all the same. "I see your vocal control has improved, it's a lot better than before" he quipped, still in that joking manner. "Still need to work on your tone though, know what I mean?" "Umm yeah, just need to control m--" He blitzed out of my field of vision, leaving me awkwardly stammering as I always do, and a milisecond later, I felt his hand slam into my back and I heard him speak straight in all honesty for the first time. "Keep practicing, and you're going to be DAMN good." Things like that make me believe.
|
|
