It isn't that easy.

I know it should be that way, at the same time I know it shouldn't. My head tells me it doesn't make sense at first, then I get a scary sinking gut feeling that I just can't shake.

Why does something right inspire such strong feelings of wrongness within me?

Surrender.

To God.

It freaks me out.

Seeing people just subjugate their will freaks me out too.

I know I should.

On some level you see.

That's the thing. Because it freaks me out on every other level. And it's why I've been running. And running and running. Not purely because it freaks me out, but also because it freaks me out that I'm freaked out by it too. If you get what I mean. I'm confused as to why I feel this way and until I sort that out, it's going to be extremely difficult to go back.

that's the second problem, I'm not really there anymore.

and everytime I get a thought like this, I pray "God help me" and then proceed to ignore him for the next week until something else catches my eye.

Fuck you Ian, fuck you and your rubbish.

***************************************

It partly stems from the fact that I'm not convinced I'm going to like what God has in store for me.

I don't know. He knows best yeah, but I have my wishes and dreams and what if it goes against what He wants?

I mean forgive me if I'm wrong, but I freaking hate most of my life, and He planned most of it no?

So what makes you so sure that I'm going to love what comes next?

Fuck me I'm bitter.

**********************************

You still wouldn't change any of it, would you?

Yeah I guess dude, except that I wished I wasn't so naive two weeks ago.

Or was it one week.

Dammit only one week.

I don't want to know.

This had better work out somehow.

Cause it's taken so much of my energy and will.

I hate this shit.