Not this time.

Because how am I supposed to go back to face this world by myself, when I've been leaning on you all this while.

Fuck me.

I'm sorry.

You're the only thing keeping me alive right now and I hope you know it.

It hurts.

**********************************

I thought i meant something more.

Like you know, that bit of me thought that I could change and make things better.

And right the world.

I'm too much of a fucking egotist apparently.

I thought I could change. You at least.

I just hoped I was special.

For once.

*********************************************

You know something.

today's the 17th.

Fucking hell.

You don't remember do you?

*********************************************

Maybe it was never wrong with me because.

I treated it like something more.

And if it seems like I'm blaming you, it's just me failing to come to terms with my self hate.

There's too much.

Too much inadequacy.

Too much failure.

***************************************

I don't give a shit about me anymore.

Because it can't get worse than this.

I'll do anything.

I fucking swear.

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.