Looks a lot like a tragedy now.

And so it is.

I'm unlovable.

Honestly, the more I think about things the more it just gets to me slowly you know. Yeah, great you two have a great friendship. Enjoy each other. Unfortunately I'm still in the midst of it all. At least I'm not stuck with the two of you honestly, but your attitudes still grind on me all the same.

And I have to deal with it.

Yeah. I was, immature. Socially awkward. Dumb and stupid, naive about everything. But I knew where my values lay. I know where my values lie.

Don't twist the facts with me. Don't preach to me about commitment, don't scold me for a mistake YOU made.

I don't know if I ever told you, but I remember it was back then, back when I still trusted both of you.

He sure as hell didn't though.

It was in the middle of all the trash. That rubbish as he called it. That bullshit. That nonsense. Where everyone was unhappy with you. I was unhappy with you. You were running your ass between SYF and all the other crap you had on your side. WSC was important to you. I honestly thought it was fine if you skipped rehearsals but kept up, and was willing to give you that much.
Thing is, you skipped rehearsals, came in late, spent time yelling at people for stressing you out, and making us wait for you because you couldn't handle the pressure that people were putting on you because you decided to sign up yourself for 25 hours of things everyday.

I stood up for you a few times. I stood up for you even though no one would, even when the teacher made threats about you in your bloody absence. But I too got sick of it all. I was committed. He said as much. He said. Oh Ian it isn't fair to you, because Jonathan's being a dick, I don't know what he's doing he's just screwing around. It's not fair to you Ian. You should be vice chair. I'll talk to the teacher and see what I can do about that.

That's what he said, you can ask him about it.

Yeah. So that's it for proof of my commitment.

So you wronged them. But I never faulted you like they did.

And you had to apologize to them. And you did. Arguably rightly so.

But I wouldn't have done what they did.

He did.

Commitment isn't something that vanishes overnight. But then after that, who knows what happened. Meetings were being called, I wasn't being invited.

You can't expect me to worry about the CCA 24/7, worry about dramafeste, I mean. Why would I have need to worry? You two were my good friends and, being chair and vice chair obviously I would be notified if you know, any CCA meeting's occurred.

I got no notifications during the holidays. I got no notifications when school started, even though we were in the fucking same class.

And yes. I lacked commitment. Forgive me for not worrying about things that it was not my duty to worry about. Forgive me for not assuming I was being left out of things. Not that it helped the moment I found out.

You were out of the loop. I was out of the loop. The loop was Shrey and whosoever suited him.

I asked. Never got anything.

I asked the sec2s about what was happening. I asked them. I got smatterings of information here and there. And I got a second dressing down.

Because apparently I wasn't committed. For not showing up at meetings I didn't know existed.

Say what you want about dramafeste, I was busy. I was busy propping up my house. It's different for you, you weren't even propping up your house half the time. You know that.

If you think I owe you all an apology still.

I'd like to bloody hear why.

It fucking mystifies me.

Labels: open letter

Labels: music

I'll just have to make do, and trust that you'll find your way back.

The thought of it happening any other way is just too painful.

After all, it's not like I have any other choice.

Luke 7.

I was supposed to read it last week.

And so I shall.

**********************************

Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more? 


This stood out for me.

I can't put my finger on it.

Sigh.

******************************

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.

What if this one time something does happen.

Fuck you you've done it again.

Fuck you.

Why don't you just stop putting misery into this world.

Yes. Maybe life is better without you.

And maybe it isn't.

Just pick yourself up, like all the times you've done before.

And try not to be such a fucking screw up next time.

You should know little one, I don't say things like this when you hurt me.

It's when you hurt the ones I care about the most.

And don't.

Just don't.

If not, what use am I for?

We.

So don't you go.

Thanks to the discovery of a loophole, I have regained access to the old format, and I bookmarked the link.

The woeful day has finally arrived, when the once reliable blogger has switched its internal format. The interface looks more modern, is more laggy and is simply. IRRITATING. 

I really really really really wonder what I mean to you.

for the past 10 minutes I have been terrorized by an erratic beetle.

2.5 Kibs

At times like these it's really hard to like myself.

I always wished I could be a little more you know.

I don't think I'll ever get used to disappointment.

It was raining, like it has been lately. The type of rain that you won't get beyond these odd shores. But yes, it was raining. To those unacquainted with this strange little island, it's what most people would generally call I tropical thunderstorm, or torrential downpour if you would prefer.

1. Jason

I honestly don't give a fuck if people hate me or not.

And I rushed myself back to school to audition for the drama club's play after relaxing my morning and lunch away.

I hate the concept of inferiority. Which is why sometimes it's horribly comforting to know that we're all pathetic in God's sight.

Sometimes I look at people and the shit that they're going through.