I've been wasting hoping you would come around.
I've been giving you chances everytime. And all you do is let me down. Each and every single time. Cutting me down. Its taking me this long but I dont trust you anymore. I won't trust you. Thats it. This is the end of the line. Until maybe one day, you get it in your stupid fucked up head that saying sorry is actually something you have to do and mean. Its not just that you dont say it. You don't mean it. You never mean it. Every single fucking time its me backing off. Backing down. I dont know what the fuck is going to happen now, but I'm past caring, you took the final straw a long time ago and didn't seem to care, its about time you took a look at yourself and stopped trampling all over me.
No more.
Fuck the consequences. You do something about this. This is your mess, has been and always will be, I am sick of fucking up my life so you are happy. Fuck you. I don't give a shit anymore.

My life is a nightmare because of you.
Everything I do, you smother me, no freedom, no nothing, no fucking life. You have no fucking idea how much you screwed up my life don't you. You have no fucking idea how much it still is, because of you.

I was happy for the past few days, without your seeing your fucking face, I was happier in London too, cause you weren't fucking there.
I can't take it anymore. Other people lead normal lives. Its time I started fighting for my own. I've lost too much already.

Lets see how long I have to camp in this fucking room. Or how long I can stay out. We shall see. Its a simple dash to the door. I have enough cash to last months and you know it. I can stay in this room for weeks too.

Of course but you don't know all the days, nights I spent thinking about jumping. Cause this life didnt seem worth living anymore. Its not getting better, just worse. Only friends stopped me. They didn't know of course, but I realized that people actually care about me. That people are capable of treating others equally. That not everyone is a fucking megalomaniac. but of course. You wont change won't you. Not until you see a fucking suicide note and you stare at my dead broken body will you realize you fucked up big time.

But no. I cant. I'm not strong enough. I don't even have the courage to sit on the retardedly spacious ledge outside my window. I can't leave my friends behind. Can't leave them wondering if it was their fault. Leave them to wonder if they could have stopped it and possibly traumatise some of them. Leave them to start wondering if their own situations were as bad as mine. Lastly I can't, its not against my beliefs.

That comes to another gigantic fucking problem doesnt it? Straight in the ten commandments honour thy father and mother. Thats been a huge reason why I've been so afraid. All those passages about rebellion, if they even do exist. I cant'.

If I give anymore. I won't be me.

Which is why in this great time of need. I can't go to God. Not now. However warped it sounds.
I hate you. My mind is getting screwed up cause of you.

Honestly right now, if you died. I wouldn't fucking care. Its okay, I can eat takeout everyday, wash my own clothes, iron, hang them. I won't miss your suffocating presence, your condescending gazes, you attacking me and condemning me for fighting back, your scorn, your derision.
When was the last time you helped me when I was in need.
When was the last time I was in need and it wasn't because of you.

I'm sorry you all had to read this.
I can't say all of this you know.
to any of you specifically too.
Don't be quick to judge really...
You don't know what its like.

i felt like crying on tuesday morning. Like I am now. It was 4am, at Zenas' place and were just playing the Xbox. His parents were in the house and they knew, and they let him, let us. Simple stuff like that. And that was only my 2nd ever sleepover in my life too. the simple trust and freedom. You people are truly blessed.

They say with the firstborn child, its mainly trial and error. Quite a few parents have told me this themselves. Yet despite knowing this, with my parents there is no compromise. Nothing. No compromise. They are never wrong. Even if they are blatantly wrong, pointing it out and requesting a change gets you screwed.

dont tag about this yea? That is if you really lack any common sense.

I could still use a few people to talk to. Get what I mean?
Haha...
Not funny.