I really love this song.

I can't decide if I like this acoustic better than the original.

Both are so magical.

Augustana, Augustana, sing my troubles away.

To a less angsty me.

Zzt

Maybe I should do this at 11:11 or something.

Like real.

Dear God, help me to be less angsty, among other things.

I know I don't pray enough, and this doesn't exactly make you happy. Help me with that as well.

Oh God, I could list all the ways in which I am inadequate, but I fear I will be listing deep into the night and I'll miss a few on top of that. But help me to be a better person, less emotionally volatile, less of a loose cannon, pointless mood spoiler. Let everything I do bring about benefit to others, if only to bring a smile to their faces. And let me serve you Lord.

I don't nearly do that enough and you know what a massive understatement that is.

I really need to get rid of my anger, my tendency to frustrate and be frustrated, my impatience, and my impulsiveness. What that leaves behind I don't know.

But if it makes the world a better place then so be it.

Amen

Lol thats just about the most flattering description of me on blogthings I have read in a while.

=D

He smiled wryly as he saw her head towards it and then stop, not willing to sit and let him play the macho tower of strength.

"Its alright, you can sit. I'm sure you must be quite tired," he quipped, knowing that it would make her feel like doing the opposite.

She shot a look at him over her shoulder. As if she was made out of glass, she thought, she could hold her own thank you very much. But she was wearing heels, and the temptation was too great so she sat down.

"Thank you, yes I am." she said, smiling sweetly back at him, sliding not so effortlessly into the seat, her heels clattering awkwardly against the floor. Oh she hated those things.

He looked at her for a while, that perfect smile still on his face, and looked away. She was sure he was laughing ever so slightly in his head.

They made small talk as the bus journeyed on its way forward, dancing and probing each other through their conversation, not once did he miss a beat, and he seemed unfazed and unconcerned by any stumble she made.

Just then an old lady got onto the bus, spotting her immediately she rose to give her seat away.

"You'll lose your balance," he told her, his eyes sparkling as he did. "someone else would've given up a seat, you needn't have."

Before she could retort the bus started up quickly again, and she found herself falling backwards. As everyone else on the bus except him swayed and grabbed the hand-grips tightly, he seized her hand smoothly and pulled her back onto her feet before she could fall.

Instead of issuing another effortlessly hopefully charming remark, as she regained her composure she instead saw him withdraw his hand quickly and look down to one side sheepishly, the picture of the suave, strong smooth-talker oddly incomplete.

Interesting, she thought.

Suddenly the crowd roared as the ball burst free from the mass of players in front of him and a the opposition players ran on, the lumbering two metre tall Indian amongst them sprinting clear.

Seeing little other choice, he broke his marking and ran towards the giant, hoping his team would cover for him as he looked to pose a challenge to the hulking monster before he would receive the ball.

The opposition player eyed him for a moment as he ran up, then broke out in toothy grin and shoved. He stumbled along for a few metres, trying to keep his balance before he fell to the ground, making the mistake of sticking his hand out as he did so.

The pain shot up his arm, and he felt his wrist turn and immerse itself in fire. He desperately tried to pull himself to his feet as the fire spread, only to collapse to the ground again as he instinctively tried to use his injured limb to prop himself up as the ball was played in.

A chorus of shouts rose from the crowd as his team booted ball clear, high and far and he struggled to his feet. He looked around. The referee did not blow his whistle and play went on.

Football really was a contact sport. And unfair one too.

I wish, I'm not so free okay.

LIKES: uh....people?
DISLIKES: School
FAVORITE ACCENTS: Texan, Russian, Italian, Australian, Spanish!

FAVE ACTORS: Uhm, uhm, That dude from the mentalist. OH OH EWAN MC GREGOR.

FAVORITE ACTRESSES: Natalie Portman! and uh, no one really

FAVORITE ANIMALS: Can't choose!

FAVORITE MUSIC: Pop/rock, Alt/rock, Alt, anything not too hard and sounds good.

Lol.

Uh.

BoyslikeGirls, Augustana, Avril Lavigne, The Script, The Fray, Pixie Lott, Taylor Swift, Lady Antebellum

etc etc.

FAVORITE BOOKS: Oh dear, uh. I hate favourites lists. Dunno lah. Its not like I don't read, I just read too much.

FAVORITE CANDY: Schokolade!

FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER: Cannot chooseeee!!!!
FAVORITE COLORS: Red Black Yellow

FAVORITE COUNTRY: Singapore!
FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK: Friday

FAVORITE DRINK: CocaCola
FAVORITE FLOWER: Roses ~~~
FAVORITE FOODS: Chinese Beancurd!, French fries, Cheeseburgers........Potato chips....

Haha it all goes downhill from there.

There's baked rice too.

I'm not a foodie.

FAVORITE GIRLS NAMES: Alison, Lynette, Harmony (if no one objects, the names of my three daughters)
FAVORITE HOLIDAYS: School. XD
FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR: Choooocolateeeeeee
FAVORITE MONTH: April
FAVORITE MOVIES: Shaun of the dead, Zombieland, Kick Ass, V For Vendetta, its a bad list Germaine, stop sighing.

FAVORITE PERSON: ....!!!!
FAVORITE POSSESSIONS: Earphones, Lukila, Piano, Handphone, Laptop.
FAVORITE QUOTES: Never mind, forget them, I make plenty of sound bites anyway.

FAVORITE SHOES: Um um my adidas soccer shoes. =D
FAVORITE SONGS: You cannot choose.

How about my top ten most played songs right now.

Yay!

Hey Stephen - Taylor Swift

Fearless - Taylor Swift

Stars and Boulevards - Augustana

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift (I'm sorry)

Before The Worst - The Script

Talk You Down - The Script

Over My Head (cable car) - The Fray

Breathe- Taylor Swift ft. Colbie Caillat

I'm Only Me When I'm With You - Taylor Swift

I'm Yours - The Script

Boston - Augustana

Hotel Roosevelt - Augustana

Darling - Avril Lavigne

Picture to Burn - Taylor Swift

Nothing Compares - Pixie Lott

Forever & Always (acoustic) - Taylor Swift

Thanks for the Memories - Fall out Boy

Smile- Avril Lavigne

Stop Standing There - Avril Lavigne

Syndicate - The Fray

For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore

Franklin - Paramore

For The First Time - The Script

Walk Away - The Script

My Love - Pixie Lott

Uh, I realized that's more than 10 songs, I also realised theres way too much taylor swift .

Shit.

FAVORITE SPORT: Football, soccer if you're American

FAVORITE THING TO DO: Playing Music

FAVORITE TV SHOWS: I don't really watch Tv. Seriously funny kids anyone?

Lol

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. Dead Things

2. Puppets, dummies, whatever

3. Pointy things.

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. Anything that people(girls generally, go so cuuuutteeee at)

2. Lady Gaga and her appeal

3. The Black Eyed Peas and their appeal

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1. Electric guitar
2. Drums
3. Kung Fu

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. Laptop

2. Mouse pad.

3. Mouse...

Although if you meant my actual desk in my room.

1. Fan

2. Huge stacks of paper

3. Books

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Release an Album

2. Find someone special and uh, not let them go

3. Name my three daughters Alison Lynette and Harmony

Kidding.

3. Get really serious about my faith.

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. Unstable

2. Impulsive

3. Paranoid

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY

See above lol.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. Malaysia

2. Singapore

Wahh?

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. My lovely shoulder muscles, all self trained

2. The fact that I can run 2.4 well even though I don't look like it

3. My weird hair

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY

Tsch.

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU

1. I love rom coms more than anything

2. I love to write sappy love stories

3. I'm a total sucker for chocolate. ( I really don't know how you keep this a secret from most, it just never seems to come up or interfere with my daily life, like its supposed to)

2. Dublin - The Script lol

3. Boston - Heh, Augustana

Sorry, remind me never to read my own lit essays before I blog.

What I'm saying is, I don't know, the principle of defiance sits far too comfortably with me than normal, I relish it, treasure it, admire it.

The bigger the entity you challenge, the better.

Its so anti-establishment, anti-authoritarian without cause.

I dare say it also makes up a lot of my recklessness as well as the part of me that offends people and doesn't care.

I think its always cause I've loved the daredevil.

When I was a kid you see I was trapped, by expectations, burdens, responsibilities. (yes, as a kid) I always wanted to be free of them, yet kept holding on to them not only out of admiration for my elders, but also cause of fear.

I was afraid not just of punishment, but stepping out of that umbrella gaze.

In a sense very much like Singaporeans who talk to each other in hushed tones about the evils of democracy and how a lack of underhand political means by the PAP to preserve power would lead to the collapse of the nation where we would become no better, and more importantly cleaner, than our neighbours malaysia.

Yes, thats bad, but thing is, I've pretty much taken it to the other extreme.

Unfortunately.

Well Time To Change That Up.

Ooh Don't The Caps just Look So Good.

Yes They Do.

Haha.

I wish I could find the happiness again.

I'm not sad.

Just tired.

******************************************

Ooh I got a call today,

It promised me freedom

So I took it.

Freedom from one thing only unfortunately, its impossible to free from everything. At least now I'm freer than I was before. I've smiled on my own for the first time in forever.

That sounds so bloody emo, goodness Ian what have you become.

Just a little too introspective for your own liking, heh. And not really humourous. You know what, instead of being always serious or never serious I need to learn how to be serious funny. Not seriously funny cause that's just inherently retarded. But serious-funny.

Never too serious I suppose that's what I mean. Either that or at least not to make jokes in vain.

Fine a combination of the two.

Yer happy now you ballistic twat.

Yeahh.

Lol these two posts totally shouldn't be together but I'm like super lazy.

So deal with it.

=D

no I'm not going to end with that emoticon again.

It would speak of a poverty of imagination and a lack of originality.

Yeah!

I'm sorry friend.

**********************************************

Peace.

I don't know whats building up on me, I'm just dragging my feet through life.

Things didn't use to be like this.

I'm supposed to be zany and light hearted.

I better do something before that becomes a thing of the past.

:/

My life usually works like a roller coaster ride, as horribly and ridiculously cliche as it seems. Extreme highs and extreme lows, many of them and in rapid succession, (naturally I say this for those of you unfamiliar with both roller coasters and the cliche, I'm sure there are tonnes of you, I'm also assuming that there are tonnes of you who read my blog, scary huh.)

But recently of late its been a really rather unnoticeable depression.

At least unnoticeable by me, I think almost everyone around me should have noticed the sunshine go out. My radiancy, (it totally exists) seems to have taken a large bump.

Its rather worrying, considering the fact that I am noticeably less happy than a year before, now I'm noticeably less happy then a week before.

I don't wanna lose that part of me. For my own benefit partly and also cause I'm really addicted to other people smiling.

Oops, thats like a really big secret of mine, why do I act so stupid around some people? Yeah thats why, I rather be laughed at, I make it so easy cause I like it that way.

Although it is rather unfortunate that I can actually speak about my radiancy like that, almost as if its something far far and far away, which is uh, unfortunate .

Its not already too far gone I hope.

Oh come on, don't just complain about my emoness, come down here and help me fix it.

I can't plug all the holes on this sinking ship by meself if you know what I'm saying.

Yes, I just asked all of you to help make me happier.

=D

Be a hero.

Not just any type of hero.

Those dead heroes.

The type that have their names whispered softly by people, in hushed reverential tones.

The ones that have a single word attached to their name.

Be it courage, bravery, valiance.

Selfless.

Yes I crave the glory, but I also want to be more than I am.

I'll catch that grenade when it comes.

I better.

Qiu li, you showed us all that fat people can totally score goals.

Foreign talent is the way forward. =D

Go get em Lions.

Then maybe I should.

and I have to do everything

And it ends up as my problem, simply because I care the most.

Never mind that its their responsibility, never mind that it doesn't fall under my area of jurisdiction, since I you know need the stuff more I should do it.

Bloody hell.

Bloody internet, I have to fix it all the time. Even though, you know, I get back home latest in my family 50% of the time. Even though you have other people sitting around at home doing nothing.

I hate trying for people who don't try.

Bloody hell, don't tell me rehearsals are urgent and important cause we only have one more rehearsal left before the tech rehearsal.

Is that my fault ?

is it my fault all the rehearsals were randomly cancelled?

Is it my fault things moved this slow?

Is it my fault you could've started earlier?

Is it my fault you only decided to make it super important on wednesday.

You know like after it became important for me?

I am not bending this inch for you.

Because I'm already bent over and I'm sick of looking like a circus monkey.

I'm not your friend, and you never will be mine. You lost the right some two years ago. And you proved it over and over again since.

********************************

I need a shoulder to cry on.

Dammit.

Heaven just seems so out of reach sometimes.

Perhaps this odd tiredness is coming from too much immersement.

Too much people.

I'm afraid of being lonely.

But I need time by myself too.

Although I haven't really ever had to specifically take time off.

Cause I was usually fine with regards to that.

So I'm a little clueless as to how to do it.

Maybe thats why my inner voices are silent, I should go somewhere where I can listen to them again. Just today in between everything, the bustle, the rush, the work, I found quiet. And immediately I began to tap out a new melody and began to craft it in my head. But work called, and I had lost the melody. I lost it forever.

Yes, the world is too busy for me sometimes.

Maybe all the time.

I did nothing really physical on friday saturday and sunday but at the end of each I've felt really tired. More tired than I've felt all year.

Its 9pm now and I've been struggling to keep my eyes open.

Maybe its the weather, but this is fatigue I didn't feel throughout the whole of SYF, as tiring as that was, its mental dulling, the simple lack of will to continue, its not like my body is breaking down due to over exercise (I haven't done any this week lol).

Its a lack of will to continue. Its like I don't want to be awake and I want to shut myself down.

Not cause my life seems bad, but I'm just tired.

I don't know why.

You are the creator of this quiz, who most likely, had too much time on his/her hands.

2. Is there a God? (If yes, what is God?)

Yes, God is simply the one in charge of everything. Not like someone put him in charge. The Alpha, the Omega, the beginning in the end, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob. Yeah, that one.

The only one if you ask me.

3. What happened at the beginning of the universe?
God created it.

4. What is the meaning of life?
Life, is a thing, it has no meaning. Its like saying whats the meaning of the table.

But of course you should be referring to the purpose, which I would say is to glorify God.

5. What is the purpose of my existence?
I exist to uh, according to the Bible, glorify God. I also have personal goals which should be secondary to that, unfortunately not quite.

6. What is consciousness?
I think, therefore I am.

7. What is love?
To like almost everything about a person, and to overlook the things you don't. To want that person more than anyone else in the world, and put that person's hopes, desires, wants and needs before your own, and to do anything you can to make them come true, even at the expense of your own hopes wants and desires.

8. What is right and wrong?
Right is whatever pleases God, wrong is whatever displeases him.

Its basically just good and bad, though good and bad as how He defines it.

9. Can world peace ever be achieved?
World peace, achieve. As long as you have headstrong people who disagree with each other there will be fighting, and when they start to have followings then the fights get more and more violent.

Not until the end of the world. Even then, only by divine intervention.

10. Will poverty ever end?
As long as there is greed in the world, there will be poverty.

11. How can I be happy?
By making the people I care about happy.

12. How can I make someone else happy?
Good question.

13. What is the nature of reality?
Hard, tough, and horrible unless you have good friends.

(:

14. Why do I experience pain and suffering?
Pain at the most basic level is to prevent you from hurting yourself.

Suffering in that way could be said to be there, (sent by God I would say) to shape our experiences in a way that will help us. Somehow.

15. What is the proper role of government?
To ensure people don't kill each other, and to enforce justice when they do.

16. Where does creativity come from?
Creativity is a blessing.

17. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Yes.

18. What is the difference between living and existing?
Living is existing with a purpose, chim no?

20. Is it possible to achieve your dreams?
When you believe, you can try for anything.

21. What happens after we die?
I can't think of any chim answer for this one.

22. What is your greatest fear ever?
Living a boring life, stuck forever doing something I hate, giving up on my dreams, and dying alone.
23. Who has inspired you the most in your life?
Taylor Swift, (heck theres probably someone else but I can't remember, then again if I can't remember then theres not much point )

To reach for your dreams, and to be true to yourself.

24. What are your top 5 personal values?
Loyalty, Courage, Determination, Honesty, Sensitivity (if this is even a value, heck, its important)

25. What is true freedom? Does it exist?
Yes, I think it exists.

26. What would you not give up for $1,000,000 in cash?
Not give up? For 1 million dollars?

What would I give up?

OK never mind.

What would I not give up, friends, my personality, values, mind, God.

Oh right, my pet too.

Thats it.

27. How do you define success?

To satisfy that want in your heart.

28. What is the ideal society?
Love is the order of the day.

People smile on the streets

No one has to do serious work.

And everyone plays music.

(:

29. How much money per month is enough for you to live comfortably?
Comfortably?
I have no idea

30. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?
sigh.

Try and kiss someone.

And then spend the remaining time hugging all the people I want to.

And squeeze in some Bible reading.

31. Where do you want to be in 20, 30, or 50 years?
20 years, I want to be happily married in some big house. Uh. Small house also can actually. If all goes well it will be the same 30 years after that.

32. What is the biggest obstacle that stands in your way right now?
Myself

33. What was the most defining moment in your life over the past year?
Starting to blog regularly

34. How do you want to be remembered after you die?
As someone who cared, someone with a good heart, and was there for people when they needed him to be. Someone who wasn't afraid to do what was right.

35. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Well spoken.

36. When is silence better than words?
When you can't do anything with the words.

37. What is the first thought you have in the morning and the last thought you have at night?
Morning: nnghuh? five...more...minutes...

Night: should I go to sleep? Dammit, I don't want tomorrow to come.

38. Are there aspects of life that are beyond our perception and understanding?
Most definitely.

39. Will machines ever become conscious?
Some already are showing signs of awareness.

40. Will we one day live on the moon or another planet?
Unless the apocalypse happens, its only a matter of time.

41. Do extraterrestrial lifeforms exist?
I don't know.

42. What’s the next evolution of humans?
evolution? We'll die out.

43. Will humans ever become extinct?
Oops, see above.

44. Is there such a thing as absolute truth?
Yes

45. Do some animals believe in a God or supernatural being?

I don't know.

46. How much of our decision-making is based on free will?
All of it, God just accounts for it.

47. How would I perceive the world if I only had one sense?
Sensory overload?

48. How would life be different if you were born the opposite gender?
I'd be more concerned with appearances and fashion I guess, and more flirty. and I guess life would be a little better and less awkward.

49. How would life be different if you were born in a different country?
I might die before the age of 5 from malnutrition, freeze to death in the cold as a child, shot on the streets when I'm 14.

It might be very different.

50. If you could transport to any place during any period of time, where and when would it be?
I'd transport to Nashville, 2003. And I'll go work for a company called Big Machine Records.

To be neurotic is to display traits of neurosis such as:

Overwhelming anxiety

Obsessional Thoughts

Compulsive Behaviour

Excessive indecision

Emotional Instability.

Uh-oh.

With one daughter in law and her three sons, the eight of them sat in the traditional chinese setting, waiting for their meal to start in a slightly awkward atmosphere.

The daughter fiddled for a moment with her nails. Then turned to her brother.

"Ah Guan, I ask you arh, should we buy a niche?"

The firstborn son, who happened to be right beside her perked his ears up. Niche...?

"A niche? Theres not much point, why you want to buy now?"

"Prices going up what, better buy first."

The son suddenly realized what they were talking about. He began to feel decidedly uncomfortable.

"How much is it over here? Its so expensive."

"$9000"

Caught in between the siblings, he couldn't look at either of them, he was certainly not going to join in the conversation. His brothers were talking to each other, his grandparents were most fortituously not paying attention, and his mother was taking a peanut from the table.

That was it, there was another plate of peanuts in front of him, and he took one.

"So expensive, whats the point, might as well just take your ashes and throw into the sea, its cheaper."

"You can't do that," the sister said, squirrelly in her mannerisms, "You have to apply for a lot of government permits, very troublesome."

"Well, my friends son died the other time and he just chucked the ashes into the ocean during a fishing trip, no hassle"

The son pretended not to hear the horror that was unfolding around him, and cursed his luck for being wedged between the two of them. He selected the most oddly shaped peanut and began to chew, grinding it slowly between his molars. Hoping to blot some of the sound out.

The sister fidgeted again, "This isn't Malaysia, you can't do that over here, its different, besides I wouldn't want to be flung into the sea, might as well flush it down the toilet."

Her brother considered for a while then replied with typical practicality.

"Why don't you just buy a niche in Malaysia then, its cheaper over there."

"Who's going to carry my ashes over?"

"Well I can always do it, if there's no one to do it then no one is going to visit your niche anyway. In fact why even bother having a niche, might as well spend the money when you're still alive."

They continued back and forth, oblivious to their morbidity. The son, obsessive in his peanut consumption looked across the table to his ancestor for help. The wizened old man didn't hear, but the discomforted look on his face was enough for him to crack an amused smile. There was no help to be found there.

Her brother was relentless, "Think about it, with $9000 you can go on a holiday and return, you'll need the money more when you're alive than when you're dead."

He smiled at his irrefutable logic while his son shoved another 5 peanuts down his throat.

And he wondered why lunch could be so awkward.

Some originals are best left forgotten.

Others, you can dig up and laugh at.

I have no idea how they can sound so unserious(ballistic harmonica riff) and still keep you listening.

I still prefer the Lillix version. But this one I watch just for laughs.

Seriously look at his face.

"You keep me warm at naiiiiiiiighttt."

hahaha.

I wonder why I consider them friends if time and time and time again they fail me.

I realise that as people, we all stumble, we all fall, we all fail.

And I choose to still call them my friends, cause no matter their actions, I know their intent.

Even if its not a screw up, but simply a lack of courage, the principle is the same.

Pick yourself off the ground my friend.

And don't blame your friends if they're too scared of falling themselves to help you.

Still, I guess thats what separates a friend from a good friend.

Sigh.

They can't all be my good friends anyway.

......half hearted optimism ftw.

I just realized today that my brother is growing up to be like my father. And that scares me like hell. I told myself I would never be like him, and really theres no reason to tolerate anyone who behaves like that.

Obsessive, egotistical up to the point of megalomania, selfish, obstinate, clumsily manipulative, calculating, a disregard for the feelings of others, and an unhealthy inferiority complex.

The inferiority complex wasn't his fault. But I can see it now.

And he's too far gone for me to change him.

I've lost any meaningful or real contact with my brothers ever since our schedules clashed way back when I was in primary school. As I moved to secondary school and my brothers stayed it together it was as if they banded themselves against me.

You see now for me at home its as if I'm an invader, stepping in all the time. I'm not part of their activities, their fun, if I disagree with anything then obviously theres something wrong with me.

Fine, so I leave them alone.

But they snipe at me, all the time, its almost the same sort of crap that I get from people at school. The thing is that whenever people snipe at me they win.

If you're talking about a war of words. I lose.

Everything everyone says goes right straight into my heart.

No matter how much I hate people.

If I manage to reply with powerful biting words and it seems like I don't care at all.

Thats exactly it.

It just seems that way.

Because everytime someone launches a verbal assault on me, I have to fight back the tears.

Its either that, or I get angry.

And when I get angry, I can't think properly, and it ends up with me wanting to beat the shit out of anyone.

I can't win a war of words. Cause most of the time I get too choked up to compose a coherent reply. Either that or I just immobilize myself.

If I don't immobilize myself, I will get physical.

I do badly with conflicts really.

Perfect bullying material.

Until I strike back.

But I can't strike back you see.

The thing is, its like this at home too.

There is no escape.

Music blitz.

I love layered voices singing the same note you know!

As long as the voices sound the same (Or are the same!)

It sounds so....fun!

Zzt, I remember something someone told me.

And she was right.

If I cloned myself the first thing I would do is do tonnes of duets with myself.

I NEARLY got attacked by a monkey. (actually a whole bunch of them)

Twice.

I NEARLY got lost in the jungle around McRitchie Reservoir.

I NEARLY fell into a river (I'm being dramatic, it was a stream) there while hopelessly trying to take a picture of a water strider.

I NEARLY twisted my ankle out there.

(I mean seriously if I did what would've happened o: snot like anyone's going to airlift me out of there)

So all that happened is that I ended up walking about...uh...7km or more through a disgusting nature trail. While waiting for monkeys to appear, resisting the urge to smack them when they came too close and grabbing a photo or two before slowly backing away. Cause you know of my chinese project.

Whoopee.

I can't believe I hadn't heard this song before today.

Its going to the top of my most played list.

Blow me away Taylor, blow me away.

What? She wrote this when she was 16?

Oh great, I hate you Taylor, you shouldn't have been that good.

Okay, I feel a little better now, she had help.

Nothing.

Like hell nothing is wrong with you, what the hell was that.

Nothing.

You just pissed someone off, don't you care.

No.

Why not. Why the heck do you not care.

I'm tired.

What the hell is wrong with you. Get away from me.

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if not for music to purge my soul.

Sometimes I just need

I just need an assurance that my existence means something, not means something, like a meaning to life.

Like a meaning to someone. Like making a difference in their lives.

Because of who I am.

I feel like I need an assurance that my life is worth living.

Cause I don't know.

She said something today. Something about what it would take to make him see.

If anything would make an impact in his life.

If anything could be done to change him.

My first thought was, fine.

Take me away. If he changes then it will be worth it.

But I realized thats bullshit. I didn't want it to happen cause it would possibly improve the lives of other people, that it would change him.

I wanted to hurt him.

I wanted to hurt him so bad.

I don't know why I'm like that.

It scares me like hell.

Die for something more worth it my friend. Hold on.

Prashad did not like him any more than he did, in fact Prashad made it his business to make his life miserable, well Prashad could try to piss him off all he wanted, but he wasn't going to sit somewhere else cause Prashad wanted him to.

So he took a seat right at the table, right opposite Prashad and stared defiantly into his dark black eyes. Daring him, to tell him to leave. Prashad glared back for a few seconds and then got up and moved away.

Feeling a sharp sense of victory he looked around at the 7 others around the table. Barely 10 seconds had passed when 3 of them finished their food and left together, bringing their plates to the washpoint at the other end of the canteen.

Two of the remaining four decided to get up and buy drinks. Jax sat to his left, and Wilson was the only one left on the other side of the table. He ate slowly at his own relaxed pace, oblivious to any of the happenings around.

Jax stared ahead sullenly, and he knew what his friend was telling him, I'm here for you now, but you really make my life difficult sometimes. He glanced to his left, Prashad was sitting there, he had apparently joined the other class table, and the other half of the class that hadn't bought their food earlier joined him there too.

And they were clearly enjoying themselves.

He felt an impossibly cold, yet white hot anger grow in his stomach, and shovelled another spoonful of food though his throat as Jax cleared out the contents of his plate, and walked off without making conversation.

There would be a next time.

Cos' what I say don't matter at all to him.

He stomped off to his room yesterday after I denied using his "cup" and only appeared 3 hours later with "my" cup on the table full of coffee stains.

The pettiness and the absolute childishness of the entire situation will stay in my mind for a long time.

If it were anyone else I would simply roll my eyes and remind myself to forget about the person.

But this is my father we're talking about.

Guess what happened at dinner today.

It was pizza, and when he arrived at the table he gathered up the pizza boxes and pulled them to himself, away from me, literally doing the childish gesture for "mine". I didn't care and just continued to take pizza, because if he's got a problem and wants to play petty wars with me I have no reason to.

So he just stared at me out of the corner of his eye, while I calmly finished my pizza slice. Until I couldn't stand it anymore and just looked right at him.

He didn't do anything. Except issue a vague threat five minutes later about sending me off to boarding or anywhere else thats not my home.

Nothing other than the hissy fit he's throwing now, perhaps it will match the one yesterday, he's slammed the door to his room about five times already and refuses to look at me. Not like I've been acknowledging him anyway but so what.

Yeah, go ahead dad, throw your son out of the house cause of a CUP.

Don't think I won't tell anyone, I mean why shouldn't I, I got a horrible father, so what?

Oh wait, I know what, it means I have to live with a horrible father.

Oops.

Just give me a break.....

An asshole thats what.

FML.

Oh and you wouldn't believe what he did after that

Screw his petty bitching.

My role is mother you see. How glamorous.

It doesn't matter that my role is unglamorous.

It doesn't matter that my role is a female role and I've never done that before.

Its not that the lines are so badly written and that the character isn't even solid. Not that the lines are merely lines and nothing more.

Its not the role.

Its why I've got it.

Freak.

*******************

I'm tired.

I've did this last year.

It sucked.

I'm not going to argue with them, I'll let them take charge.

I'm not going to offer my opinion anymore. I asked one question and I get asked to shut up while everyone else fires away criticisms with impunity.

I've got other places to be where people actually appreciate the fact that I'm there.

Off-stage role huh? I don't even know why Nathaniel tried to appease me by giving me that long monologue.

Why did he even want to make me happy. Its not like he values my contribution anyway. Does he care about offending me?

Something tells me he doesn't.

Maybe he was afraid that I'd stir up a shitstorm.

Maybe.

Its too early to pass judgement.

We'll see.

I thought Avril Lavigne had run out of good music.

I thought the guitar was so boring. Especially these past few months.

I was wrong.

How did she make it sound so fresh?

Geniuses don't have an expiry date.

She's brilliant.

******************************************

What? Another one?

Yep.

Classic Avril Lavigne.

This may sound crazy to you, but that eyebrow raise at the start of the MV is so funny, I rewatched it like ten times.

I don't think I've done an Avril Lavigne post before so I guess this will be it.

What I love most about this girl is that she's almost completely shameless.

Although sometimes when she's on a bimbotic streak she goes and does uhm, songs that you wouldn't want anyone to catch you singing along to, like Girlfriend and The best damn thing. Yet I find myself adding those songs to my playlist anyway.

Cos they're still so good.

The important thing is that through it all she stays true to herself.

The amount of pure attitude that she puts into her songs and the energy is unmatched save for a few. And I'm sure you've heard of them. (hint, think you belong with me and your love is my drug)

Yet underneath that whole aura of endless hook ups, bimbotic posing, and infinite amount of casual screw yous that she tosses, she still isn't afraid to let her vulnerable side show, When You're Gone is still one of my favourite songs.

She's not just a shallow trashy poser, shallow trashy posers don't break onto the music scene at sixteen with a single of her own. She's a songwriter and a pretty darn good one at that. And we all know she isn't limited to pop/rock ditties. (punk whatever)

Guess what I just found out. She wrote Darling when she was fifteen.

Unbelievable.

He hadn't even settled himself into the plush chair when President Dalia made her quick entrance, and he got up immediately, fumbling anxiously.

"Its alright Suvi, sit down, lets get to business." she said, sounding oddly flustered.

And so he did, she was the only one who called him Suvi now, despite the fact that he was already forty. She had always called him that when they were younger, before things had changed, before the world grew larger. And somehow she never grew out of the habit.

"Its about the Yishites"

This was going to be a long day he thought and sighed. Clearing his throat he spoke.

"Dali, our diplomatic position is quite clear, the kingdom of Jothanda cannot and will not intervene with matters that are not directly within our spheres of influence. And on other matters we take the same stand as the general global community."

"I know what your bloody diplomatic stand is," she hissed. "They're killing our people, doesn't that mean anything to you."

He felt the blood drain from his face. They had thought about that, the king and his advisors, and he certainly felt an ache within his heart for the people of Jeannica.

"The official stand is that we cannot take a side. However I would like to let you know that the king and his advisors have indeed considered your plight. Dali, I have argued your case before them but the truth is.... we cannot ask our people to die in battle, so that yours may live."

"So thats it then isn't it. You're going to sit back there while they lob missile after missile into the country, crushing the lives of innocents?"

"Dali.."

"They've showed no sign of stopping, they have no reason to. They won't stop until they take back their holy land."

Another mark against his case, the Yishites were clearly after the land, this was not an expansionist Nazi Regime, just a bunch of fanatics waging a holy war. The fall of Jeannica would not lead to the end of Jothanda. How then could the King ask his people to fight for anything other than their own defense.

"We can try to push your case, however at the UN..."

"Those useless fools?" She spat. " International Justice my bloody ass, they only do things for their own gain. They have nothing to gain out of this but unpopularity in their home countries. Why go up against the Yishites and their army, what do they have to gain?"

Silence reigned for the next two minutes as Suvinder shifted uncomfortably in his chair. President Dalia called for a cup of wine and she drank it slowly from the glass. Swirling it, in thought.

"Tell me Suvi, what am I supposed to do?"

He did not answer, there was nothing to say.

"The free republic of Yishi has a standing army of 300 000, we have 200 000 men, including our reserves and a home guard. Enough to prevent them from considering a full scale invasion. However, we are powerless against their rocket fire. We ran out of counter rockets two months ago, and its a good thing they don't have a large bomber force."

She paused, taking another long sip from the glass.

"Naturally we found a solution, and we worked on it. And after five months, our scientists have finally got it." She stopped and look at Suvinder in the eye.

He felt a stirring in his stomach, something was oddly familiar about this, and it was not good.

"Ambassador Dali, over the past few months our Scientists have been working on nuclear technology. I must say, we tested the first one last week. We have about 300 bombs ready for deployment."

"You don't mean to say.."

"It is the only solution."

Thoughts raced furiously through his head as he tried to deal with the stunning revelation. Facts. Figures. Three hundred bombs, in this day and age... would be enough to level Yishi many times over. The Yishites would not be able to stop all the bombs, but enough would get through to do the job. And before they met their horrible end, they would no doubt launch their own bombs which he was quite sure existed.

"Dali, you're talking about the massacre of millions, the death of an entire country, or at the very least permanently crippling an entire community."

"How is that any different from anything that they are doing to us now? Do you know how many civilians are killed in Jeannica everyday? How large the death toll has risen, and how large it will get? They won't let us get away." She leaned forward and spoke, her voice hard. "Not until each and every one of us are nailed down in our coffins, six feet under."

He pulled away and looked out of the window.

"The UN won't stand for it, they'll condemn you."

"Keep looking out of the window Suvi, look at the people, the houses, the buildings. If things continue as they are everything you see will be destroyed in a rain of fire. Everyone will die."

President Dali walked to the window and stared out at the Jeannican landscape.

"There will be no survivors." she said touching the glass. And there was silence again.

Suvinder looked down, trying to find any semblance of comfort in the parquay floor. Tracing the lines in the wood, futilely.

"I know they have nuclear weapons dammit, I'm not stupid. They'll launch them. Many people will die. But not all. Don't you understand Suvi? They don't have that many. Five in fact. And our missile defences are down already. Don't talk to me about the death of millions Suvinder. Not when you're not the one who has to agonize over the fate of five cities."

Ambassador Gupta sat there, trying to accept the death of millions that lay before him, there had to be way to prevent it...to save those lives..

"Those lives worth saving Suvi? Worth sending Jothandan men to die for?"

He swallowed hard, how could he say no?

"How?"

"Fix it so we don't have to use the bombs. Stop the Yishites, tell your king and no one else. You know what will happen if the Yishites find out."

He nodded silently. They would strike first he knew, complete annihilation.

"Good." she said, stepping softly away from the window to the door. "I know you'll do the right thing Suvi. I'm sorry I have to force you this way, I realize its been hard."

He rose with a sigh, and brushed off the dust on his suit.

"Dali, you never do anything you feel isn't absolutely right. Its been hard on you too. I understand perfectly."

The two old friends regarded each other once more.

"I-" Dalia started as Suvinder opened his mouth. They both stopped and smiled a bit.

"You first," Suvinder offered

"No you."

He smiled again, it was pointless to argue.

"Thank you."

Words, hardly spoken genuinely and sincerely especially in the circles she traveled of late. Not in the political circles of endless plotting and calculation.

"Thank you too." She said warmly.

Suddenly catching sight of the clock on the wall behind him, she awoke from her happy mood with a start.

"I'm very sorry Suvinder but I must be going."

"I understand your excellency."

She tapped at the door and gestured at the attendant snoozing outside on an ornate chair.

"Charice could you please show Ambassador Gupta out and arrange an escort for him back to the embassy."

As he made his way back down the steps he wondered indeed for the sanity of his friend. He was glad that she had found a solution. The King would not be pleased, but he felt relieved inside, once again she had made the tough decision for him. Not that it was ever his to make, but the burden had been upon his heart.

Dali Dali Dali...he thought, forever insisting on running his life.

For that he thanked the heavens.

The nightmares seem to be starting up again.

The whispering voices in the dark.

I hear them again.

I thought things were different, I thought things had changed.

They aren't as big as they were once, aren't as numerous, no longer are they a multitude, an endless unstoppable horde, just out of my vision.

But they're still there.

And the light doesn't make them quiver, the light doesn't chase them away.

In a way thats worse.

I know who they are.

They don't care.

And I can't do anything about it.

Except one thing.

But should I?

Quiz.
Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title.

Pick Your Artist:
Taylor Swift

Who else was I going to pick?

Male or Female?
Tim Mc Graw (Okay, this is very fail)

Describe Yourself:
Innocent

(Well, not like I had much choice, what, beautiful eyes?)

(Untouchable??!!!)

(Superstar!?!?!?!!?!?)

How Do You Feel?
Fearless

Describe Where You Currently Live:
A Place in This World. Heee

If You Could Go Anywhere, Where Would You Go?
Back to December? Lol

Your Favorite Form of Transportation:
White Horse

Your Best Friends Are:
Forever and Always

Your Favorite Color Is:
Dark Blue Tennessee ( This is an unreleased song! She's got plenty of these floating around the net. Its pretty awesome)

What's The Weather Like?
The Best Day

Favorite Time of Day?
Silent Night (does this count? Its a cover obviously, but released on her christmas album!)

If Your Life Was a TV Show, What Would it be called?
If This Was A Movie . XD

What Is Life to You?
Mine. Heh.

Your Relationships:
I'd Lie

Your Fear:
The Outside

What Is the Best Advice You Have to Give?
You Belong With Me

(KIDDING)
How about Come in With The Rain?

Yeah, awesome advice. Obvious much.

If You Could Change Your Name, You Would Change it to:
Superman

How Would You Like to Die?
Never grow up (die young. RARR)

My Souls Present Condition:
Haunted

My Motto:

Jump Then Fall

Perhaps this is what happens when you write a fairly decent song in the middle of a barren creative phase.

You sit at your computer screen for hours and realise for the first time in a long time, you have almost nothing to blog about.

Eerk.

I think I'll go on a hiatus until I can come up with a story.

Or something else fairly interesting.

My stand on creative output has always been to not force it. (yes! Creative output. So grand!)

Perhaps I need something to reinvigorate my quirkiness and once energetic sparkle.

If reading this has been rather laborious of late then I apologize, I think it has.

So until inspiration strikes again.

So long!

(Yes, inspiration may strike within the hour, you never know)

I remember when I was p6, I wondered how I would enjoy a boys school, with most of my friends not there.

One comfort I took was that I would see them again after four years in jc.

The thing is that they're not all my friends anymore.

In fact, they simply aren't.

Not that they hate me, but the distance, is just a lot.

And people change.

I remember them saying as much.

I'm not the same person I was.

Will they recognize me?

And will I recognize them?

I wasn't counting on it to happen though.