I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not being your puppet.

I'm sorry for not waltzing over and catering to your every demand.

I'm sorry for not treating you like the fucking god you think you are.

You know what? You were always like this, but you didn't use to be a coward. Monstrous and ugly as it was, I think it was less disgusting when you dared to face me down. Then again, back then I was a kid and you were still the huge blemish on the face of the earth that you are today.

So yeah, maybe it was downright despicable all along.

Let's put it simply and lay it all out.

I don't enjoy your company. You think I'm a disgrace to your ancient bloodline. I think you're a prick. Not saying that there's a possibility that you aren't you know. We've been coexisting peacefully for the past few months because you've been leaving me the fuck alone. Maybe part of leaving me the fuck alone means I spend christmas eve alone. I've already told everyone else about it weeks back. I'm sorry if you didn't get the memo.

Just think a little, there is no way in the highest fuck that I would decide to go with you on a stupid trip to fucking malaysia and get

1. Car sick

2. Bored

3. sick of your company

I preferred to stay the shit out of your way and not be an eyesore to you, so why the fuck are you not appreciating that?

bitch.

I don't care that you gave my brothers two hundred dollars to spend that fucking day and that I'm two hundred dollars poorer in that sense because I'm fucking happier.

I am fucking happier okay.

A day without your intolerable presence is something worth forsaking 200 ringgit worth of clothes/food/gifts for.

So fine.

You want to make me pay for that?

And arrange a confrontation every week?

This is not going to end well.

But whatever you think it is, I'm not fucking kowtowing to you.

So get ready for the fight of your life.

There's going to be hell to pay.

Fuck you.

Merry Christmas, spawn of the devil.

If he thinks its necessary to bang my door to make me come out for supper then he's a retard.

Obviously he enjoys it.

If he thinks I'm coming out after that then he's a retard too.

He can go screw himself.

They argue and quarrel over the littlest of details. Of anything.

In some ways I do that to. I don't even know how much of it is my fault since I probably learnt it from somewhere. One thing though is that when it matters to people, I know enough to give in.

At least I would never fight for something if I knew it would hurt someone.

Someone I care about.

At least that's what I think. Not on purpose I wouldn't.

It's what makes me me. And them them.

I am sick to death of it all. All of this. All of who I am. How much of who I am is my fault and how much of it isn't. How messed up my childhood was and my family and upbringing is.

Chill man.

I just gotta learn from their mistakes. And suck it up.

Sigh.

Remember again.

Be prepared to give it all for the ones you care about.

Cause ain't anything worth them. You remember that kiddo.

Remember it well.

Always.

I have no clue if he even knows who he's supposed to be.

I wouldn't give a shit except for the fact that there's no way to get him out of my life for the time being.

He could've asked nicely or reasoned it out with me and I would've listened. Yeah I might have ended up ignoring his opinion anyway but only if he steamrolled mine as well. Which you should know is more common than you think.

But he threatened me. He did.

I don't respond to threats very well, in fact I have a policy of flat out ignoring them.

I just don't take threats.

Oh what did you say? No responsibility over me any more? Alright, sounds pretty good, it means you stop talking to me right? Like you haven't been for the past um how many years?

Of course if you mean not talking to me AND giving me an endless stream of petty and nonsensical orders then whoopee.

I'm free.

No university education I hear you say.

Fine, that's alright. It means I won't owe you anything.

I'll work something out for myself thank you very much.

Jackass.

I don't know, maybe that's the case for my mother, I'm pretty sure of that I guess. But as for my father....I don't know.

I think I should be old enough to be over that I hate my parents phase. And I think I can say that this time, I'm really sure I don't like them, and it isn't for no reason.

Its like I stopped feeling a sense of love from my father for a very long time and its just degenerated whatever relationship we used to have, if it even was there at all.

Though affection is certainly more than physical expression, I can't remember when was the last time I got a hug from the both of them, and the time has come and passed when I actually wanted them to. Now...its like I'm past caring and I don't want one from them.

I don't know, maybe you think its a small thing, but....I really wished someone would come and hug me.

Someone I actually cared about. I'm not asking....but I remember asking. It was terrible from me and for that person.

It's very weird, perhaps a little sappy and soft to say but I guess there's nowhere else I can say it.

I just feel so unloved at times.

Oh but for a little reprieve.

With one daughter in law and her three sons, the eight of them sat in the traditional chinese setting, waiting for their meal to start in a slightly awkward atmosphere.

The daughter fiddled for a moment with her nails. Then turned to her brother.

"Ah Guan, I ask you arh, should we buy a niche?"

The firstborn son, who happened to be right beside her perked his ears up. Niche...?

"A niche? Theres not much point, why you want to buy now?"

"Prices going up what, better buy first."

The son suddenly realized what they were talking about. He began to feel decidedly uncomfortable.

"How much is it over here? Its so expensive."

"$9000"

Caught in between the siblings, he couldn't look at either of them, he was certainly not going to join in the conversation. His brothers were talking to each other, his grandparents were most fortituously not paying attention, and his mother was taking a peanut from the table.

That was it, there was another plate of peanuts in front of him, and he took one.

"So expensive, whats the point, might as well just take your ashes and throw into the sea, its cheaper."

"You can't do that," the sister said, squirrelly in her mannerisms, "You have to apply for a lot of government permits, very troublesome."

"Well, my friends son died the other time and he just chucked the ashes into the ocean during a fishing trip, no hassle"

The son pretended not to hear the horror that was unfolding around him, and cursed his luck for being wedged between the two of them. He selected the most oddly shaped peanut and began to chew, grinding it slowly between his molars. Hoping to blot some of the sound out.

The sister fidgeted again, "This isn't Malaysia, you can't do that over here, its different, besides I wouldn't want to be flung into the sea, might as well flush it down the toilet."

Her brother considered for a while then replied with typical practicality.

"Why don't you just buy a niche in Malaysia then, its cheaper over there."

"Who's going to carry my ashes over?"

"Well I can always do it, if there's no one to do it then no one is going to visit your niche anyway. In fact why even bother having a niche, might as well spend the money when you're still alive."

They continued back and forth, oblivious to their morbidity. The son, obsessive in his peanut consumption looked across the table to his ancestor for help. The wizened old man didn't hear, but the discomforted look on his face was enough for him to crack an amused smile. There was no help to be found there.

Her brother was relentless, "Think about it, with $9000 you can go on a holiday and return, you'll need the money more when you're alive than when you're dead."

He smiled at his irrefutable logic while his son shoved another 5 peanuts down his throat.

And he wondered why lunch could be so awkward.

I just realized today that my brother is growing up to be like my father. And that scares me like hell. I told myself I would never be like him, and really theres no reason to tolerate anyone who behaves like that.

Obsessive, egotistical up to the point of megalomania, selfish, obstinate, clumsily manipulative, calculating, a disregard for the feelings of others, and an unhealthy inferiority complex.

The inferiority complex wasn't his fault. But I can see it now.

And he's too far gone for me to change him.

I've lost any meaningful or real contact with my brothers ever since our schedules clashed way back when I was in primary school. As I moved to secondary school and my brothers stayed it together it was as if they banded themselves against me.

You see now for me at home its as if I'm an invader, stepping in all the time. I'm not part of their activities, their fun, if I disagree with anything then obviously theres something wrong with me.

Fine, so I leave them alone.

But they snipe at me, all the time, its almost the same sort of crap that I get from people at school. The thing is that whenever people snipe at me they win.

If you're talking about a war of words. I lose.

Everything everyone says goes right straight into my heart.

No matter how much I hate people.

If I manage to reply with powerful biting words and it seems like I don't care at all.

Thats exactly it.

It just seems that way.

Because everytime someone launches a verbal assault on me, I have to fight back the tears.

Its either that, or I get angry.

And when I get angry, I can't think properly, and it ends up with me wanting to beat the shit out of anyone.

I can't win a war of words. Cause most of the time I get too choked up to compose a coherent reply. Either that or I just immobilize myself.

If I don't immobilize myself, I will get physical.

I do badly with conflicts really.

Perfect bullying material.

Until I strike back.

But I can't strike back you see.

The thing is, its like this at home too.

There is no escape.

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if not for music to purge my soul.

Sometimes I just need

I just need an assurance that my existence means something, not means something, like a meaning to life.

Like a meaning to someone. Like making a difference in their lives.

Because of who I am.

I feel like I need an assurance that my life is worth living.

Cause I don't know.

She said something today. Something about what it would take to make him see.

If anything would make an impact in his life.

If anything could be done to change him.

My first thought was, fine.

Take me away. If he changes then it will be worth it.

But I realized thats bullshit. I didn't want it to happen cause it would possibly improve the lives of other people, that it would change him.

I wanted to hurt him.

I wanted to hurt him so bad.

I don't know why I'm like that.

It scares me like hell.

Die for something more worth it my friend. Hold on.

Cos' what I say don't matter at all to him.

He stomped off to his room yesterday after I denied using his "cup" and only appeared 3 hours later with "my" cup on the table full of coffee stains.

The pettiness and the absolute childishness of the entire situation will stay in my mind for a long time.

If it were anyone else I would simply roll my eyes and remind myself to forget about the person.

But this is my father we're talking about.

Guess what happened at dinner today.

It was pizza, and when he arrived at the table he gathered up the pizza boxes and pulled them to himself, away from me, literally doing the childish gesture for "mine". I didn't care and just continued to take pizza, because if he's got a problem and wants to play petty wars with me I have no reason to.

So he just stared at me out of the corner of his eye, while I calmly finished my pizza slice. Until I couldn't stand it anymore and just looked right at him.

He didn't do anything. Except issue a vague threat five minutes later about sending me off to boarding or anywhere else thats not my home.

Nothing other than the hissy fit he's throwing now, perhaps it will match the one yesterday, he's slammed the door to his room about five times already and refuses to look at me. Not like I've been acknowledging him anyway but so what.

Yeah, go ahead dad, throw your son out of the house cause of a CUP.

Don't think I won't tell anyone, I mean why shouldn't I, I got a horrible father, so what?

Oh wait, I know what, it means I have to live with a horrible father.

Oops.

Just give me a break.....

An asshole thats what.

FML.

Oh and you wouldn't believe what he did after that

Screw his petty bitching.

Augustana oh Augustana.

You stole my heart away.

*****************************************************

I don't get it.

Actually I do,

Its just how they work.

Its simple.

They just don't respect me.

There's nothing else to get or understand.

And they just won't.

Any promises they make towards the latter , anything they say about changing and making my life better, is bullshit.

Everytime, its me compromising.

Or they say they will compromise. To work together to make things better. But what happens? Promises mean nothing to them. I have to keep my side of the bargain, but their side?

Not important.

To them.

I'm getting out of here, but only when its time. They aren't going to chase me out. This is my home too, I won't let them.

I'll never bloody look back then.

Thats what trying to handle technological breakdowns of any sort is around here .

Especially since my brothers are either too apathetic or lazy to do anything .

Also they're clueless.

And my parents are just clueless.

And so the burden falls upon my shoulders again and again.

Not that I know much more about technology than any of you suckers out there.

So I flounder through floods of DNS and random unintelligible techno garble.

And sometimes get it right.

.....

And get no credit in the end.

Hey, I want to use the internet, so I should fix it while everyone else screams at me.

Shit.

I suppose I'm supposed to sympathise with one party.

Except for the fact that that party that I'm supposed to sympathise with keeps making my life miserable.

Then again they both do.

Solution? Just ignore them both. What they get up to is none of my business. Well, of course perhaps my life has a little change here and there. But I'll be sure to take note when that happens.

Well, at least they're too busy screaming at each other to bother about me.

Hooray.

I don't care about them anymore.

So why did I get so angry.

Right.

Thats why.

Don't you ever compare me to him.

Don't you dare.

I'm not like him, and you know it. Its bad enough to be related.

To say I resent him is an understatement, getting me that angry is an easy way to win an argument yes.

Doesn't make you right.

Fucking hell.

************************************************************

I got my mother's instability and insecurity, my father's occasional callousness and bad tempered disposition. I can reason like him, yet get irrational like her.

And I've inherited both of their pride.

At least I skirted megalomania and developed an open mind of my own.

For that open mind alone, I am thankful.

It makes the world of a difference to me.

Thats why I'm different.

Perhaps I should try to be less quirky and offbeat. And control myself.

I need control.

I hate being the oldest sibling. I've always wanted an elder sibling. Preferably an elder sister, for some reason I expect her to be all understanding and not sadistic. Of course I'd expect her to be my partner in crime, against my parents and the world. And dispensing advice, sincere advice, no matter how horrific and malinformed. I would take that advice anyway, because I could trust the intentions if not the truth of the advice.

At the least I'd have someone who would know me, and know a lot of the troubles I faced. And would help me in some of the stuff I faced..

Its all an idealistic vision. I doubt I'm the elder brother my brothers hoped for anyway. I probably put them off the idea of elder siblings at all. I can imagine them rolling their eyes at the benefits of contending with another elder sibling on top of me.

But they put me off younger siblings anyway.

Its mutual.