I closed the door, because that's what sane people do when the rain pours down.

I closed the door because I'm wet and tired and I need to get some rest.

And you have your own house to go to anyway.

It's not like you're waiting outside.

You have your own shelter, and there's no point in you peering in while I get colder and colder and my carpet gets wet.

Still.

Knock on it anytime you want if it's pouring.

I'm not one to leave a visitor in the rain.

Especially you.

Until then, I'll be trying to light my fire.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm so much of a bother.

Because shit, my concern is such an immense bother, because you know in the face of like everything that I'm willing to do for you it means nothing.

Maybe one day you'll realize how heartless this whole thing is, not hilarious.

I can't fix this, because you don't want to.

And sometimes, I just wished you would just believe in me a little.

I'm sorry I'm nothing worth believing in.

And I hate this, every second every minute.

But who I am means I'm willing to do anything if you asked, without need of recompense.

Nothing beyond what, basic human civility.

Don't "bribe" me with your company for a day and run off thinking it will satisfy me, because I can sense stuff like that, and I don't need it.

It's my turn to run away I guess.

I don't even know why you come back here over and over again if you don't give a shit.

I don't even know why I write volumes and volumes of content on this blog if it doesn't matter.

It matters to me, that's why I write.

thedoublesidedcoin.

Every coin has two sides. Two sides to a person, two sides to every story. Two different perspectives.

Radical, uncompromisable perspectives.

The trick is to flip, and keep flipping until it lands on the third side.

That's compromise, never easy and sometimes bloody darn impossible.

But I do try all the time.

So think about that for goodness sake.

And don't you dare say a word to me if all you're going to do is to put me down sometime in the future.

I don't need anymore heartbreak bloody hell.

Is it that difficult?

I'm sorry there never seems to be any good news around here for long does there?

If it even comes.

I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of this whole affair.

I'm sick of people telling me things are fine when they aren't.

I'm sick of people refusing to come straight with me.

I'm sick of people refusing to discuss anything with me and treating me like a fucking child.

I'm sick of people not giving a fuck about my feelings.

I'm just so fucking pissed that I end up caring more all the time.

And I hate it, but I don't hate it as much as I care.

Cause I'm a stupid fuck like that.

Because there's a reason.

A reason that I'm not going to be able to understand or fix.

And no, you aren't so great yourself.

That's why you're still reading this.

Why goddamit why.

I thought of throwing myself over the railing on tuesday, and toyed and contemplated the morbid thought, revisiting the consequences several times throughout the early day.

****************************

Last night I had a sweet dream. And a girl.

A sweet girl.

I thought about the dream and then I realized it reminded me of something in the past.

And I cried a little inside.

In a bad historic first, I crashed at an unknown time, in between six and maybe 8 in my school uniform.

A combination of a pill, illness and just plain fuck it I'm tiredry.

I'll go back to sleep, because I feel awfully uncomfortable being awake now like this.

And I managed to spill water all over my computer because naturally the first thing you should do when you groggily awake after losing consciousness for an unknown period of time is to pour water into a cup at waist level while your computer is under it.

It's fine, but my mouse isn't.

It peeves me immensely.

The mouse is probably what is sapping my need to use the computer (good) and will make me go back to sleep.

I better get my work done tomorrow.

This does not bode well for my health.

Urgh.

I wish I could be more useful to other people. 

I'm severely annoyed that I couldn't find the math assignment that I did halfway a few weeks ago. 

There's a little strange feeling I get when I've realized I've just been patronizing someone really badly.

****************************

I had a really harrowing experience this morning.

Too many memories, too many possibilities.

I'll write it out in a story.

In short?

A bus full of mentally handicapped children, a majority of whom had down's syndrome or something else that manifested physically in their body/facial structure, behaviour aside.

A little girl among them looked normal, I really don't want to know what her fucking problem is.

It's not that I discriminate against them, I just get really freaked out.

They scare me. Too much.

I caught the gaze of one of them who stared me down with his slack jawed expression.

Fierfek.

She was right.

There's no way any sane person would subject themselves to that for 20 years.

I would be a murderer.

Because I'm weak.

There goes another piece of my naivety.

Hurt fades, so I've learned
Into gnawing apathy,
eating your memories.

but I'm a memory
to you, and perhaps not more
so bring me to life.

Labels: poetree

There's a thought within me that tells me that maybe divine intervention has already occurred.

But if so, why do the signs keep coming?

They're driving me insane.

*******************************

Everyone's being worn down, it's troubling.

And everything is falling apart, because no one has the strength to care anymore.

This is a shitty time to be rebuilding my life really.

......

But no really. Shit.

Every new path I take, or old path even is leading me to yet another roadblock.

I don't even know what the point is.

What am I supposed to learn here?

Don't trust anyone?

**************************

I'm always here.

I'm always here for you.

You all.

But it's like if I left it, then I would always BE here.

I, being me, would always, ALWAYS, be here.

Just me.

And is it really just me, or is there something terribly fucking sad about that?

I've always had an issue with the phrase a "window of opportunity". A window after all, cannot provide opportunity. It is an opening, but only for looking, and not for jumping through.

Labels: stories

So I slip into my second last day of extra holiday, I've done absolutely nothing at all.

I love the nation, but watching NDP feels more and more like a chore.

I'm soaking up the rest.

And sorting out my head.

Dear God,

for all the times that I've failed to be something, or someone that you can be proud of.

For all the times when I've failed you, doubly so in front of others, I am sorry.

For the sin of causing others to think ill of your name is a grave and serious one indeed.

I will try harder, and maybe succeed if you will help and let me.

For I do want to be better, partly for myself too. But yes, I think I have too much on my conscience already, and too much inadequacy on my being.

I hope you've let me do the right thing.

I'm afraid.

Labels: God

It's not that I don't want to be done with this, but why on earth does her name keep popping up?

The frequency with which it floats across my field of vision is NOT normal, and cannot simply be attributed to my stupid subconscious.

*****************

I've been very tired lately.

I don't know what to do really.

I'll write.

For all the paramore fan who can't take his rock too hard. ^^

Me.

BRILLIANTE

Labels: music

One of my favourite songs of all time.

Really.

I wish I could perform this one day with a rock band.

That chance would be awesome.

Sometimes I just feel so unappreciated, so unwanted. I just. I just feel terrible.

I don't even know why I bother. It's like I'm saying that too much, but it just seems to come to my mind all the time. People aren't supposed to reciprocate anything you throw their way but seriously, is it too much to ask to be cared for?

And it's not like I can stop. I'm just doing my best to care because it's what's right, it's what I do. And I just get tossed around like a stupid rag doll and I hate that.

I hate how I just looked around and realised that that just wasn't where I belong, and would never be. I was barking up the wrong tree. But I was trying my best to be good too.

I don't get how being good and keeping my conscience safe and well, just trying to do the right thing never seems to pay off. I try and try and try.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my stupid useless self.

And this will never be where I belong, because where I belong has sailed too far for too long.

And maybe that's just it. It's gone. It's all gone.

And I'll just be me. Forever.

Some comfort world?

You feel unwanted stupid Ian? You are unwanted. Go to hell.

*******************

After wondering strangely today why I still bothered with the Angel I realized.

It's all I have left to hold on to.

When you tell yourself that you need to spend more brain cells on things that are not mildly contemplative titles for your mildly contemplative blogposts, or at least need to make them related in a way. Well they are sometimes.

You also need to stop talking in second person, you find it awfully weird at times.

Especially when you're referring to yourself in second person. ;/  <<======== this is my new favourite smiley.

It's slightly remorseful yet hurt, thus saying both sorry and "you should apologize or not take offence at the very least please" at the same time.

Or "Ow, meh"

I also need to stop abandoning projects. It's awfully annoying and ridiculously characteristic of my personality type. I think I'll have an early day tonight.

I'm sorry....! I'm just awfully mood swingy today, as you can see and might be able to tell from my oddly vacillating tone on top of the obviously ridiculously fluctuating subject matter of this post.

I guess it's partly because as a ridiculous anonymous writer once put it to my utter delight "the internet is just not happy" today. So my randomness has nowhere to go. I mean I can't even load a single fucking page.

lol okay I think I've demonstrated enough of my mood swinginess, that was completely unwarranted.

****Must remind myself to never swear for no reason, because becoming that sort of person is just terrible.

*****************************

Must you just kibitz into my life like that and then waltz out?

Close the damn door at least. ^^

Dearest Angel, I don't quite know where to stand.

Why is every day some stupid balancing act? I wonder and I doubt, and I don't want to wonder and doubt.

****************************

Tired. Not enough sleep. Body feels terrible. Urgh.

Tears aren't a sin my friend, and trust me, I know what it feels like to miss someone.

If only life wasn't this stupid.