I closed the door, because that's what sane people do when the rain pours down.

I closed the door because I'm wet and tired and I need to get some rest.

And you have your own house to go to anyway.

It's not like you're waiting outside.

You have your own shelter, and there's no point in you peering in while I get colder and colder and my carpet gets wet.

Still.

Knock on it anytime you want if it's pouring.

I'm not one to leave a visitor in the rain.

Especially you.

Until then, I'll be trying to light my fire.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm so much of a bother.

Because shit, my concern is such an immense bother, because you know in the face of like everything that I'm willing to do for you it means nothing.

Maybe one day you'll realize how heartless this whole thing is, not hilarious.

I can't fix this, because you don't want to.

And sometimes, I just wished you would just believe in me a little.

I'm sorry I'm nothing worth believing in.

And I hate this, every second every minute.

But who I am means I'm willing to do anything if you asked, without need of recompense.

Nothing beyond what, basic human civility.

Don't "bribe" me with your company for a day and run off thinking it will satisfy me, because I can sense stuff like that, and I don't need it.

It's my turn to run away I guess.

I don't even know why you come back here over and over again if you don't give a shit.

I don't even know why I write volumes and volumes of content on this blog if it doesn't matter.

It matters to me, that's why I write.

thedoublesidedcoin.

Every coin has two sides. Two sides to a person, two sides to every story. Two different perspectives.

Radical, uncompromisable perspectives.

The trick is to flip, and keep flipping until it lands on the third side.

That's compromise, never easy and sometimes bloody darn impossible.

But I do try all the time.

So think about that for goodness sake.

And don't you dare say a word to me if all you're going to do is to put me down sometime in the future.

I don't need anymore heartbreak bloody hell.

Is it that difficult?

I'm sorry there never seems to be any good news around here for long does there?

If it even comes.

I'm sick of this.

I'm sick of this whole affair.

I'm sick of people telling me things are fine when they aren't.

I'm sick of people refusing to come straight with me.

I'm sick of people refusing to discuss anything with me and treating me like a fucking child.

I'm sick of people not giving a fuck about my feelings.

I'm just so fucking pissed that I end up caring more all the time.

And I hate it, but I don't hate it as much as I care.

Cause I'm a stupid fuck like that.

Because there's a reason.

A reason that I'm not going to be able to understand or fix.

And no, you aren't so great yourself.

That's why you're still reading this.

Why goddamit why.

I thought of throwing myself over the railing on tuesday, and toyed and contemplated the morbid thought, revisiting the consequences several times throughout the early day.

****************************

Last night I had a sweet dream. And a girl.

A sweet girl.

I thought about the dream and then I realized it reminded me of something in the past.

And I cried a little inside.

In a bad historic first, I crashed at an unknown time, in between six and maybe 8 in my school uniform.

A combination of a pill, illness and just plain fuck it I'm tiredry.

I'll go back to sleep, because I feel awfully uncomfortable being awake now like this.

And I managed to spill water all over my computer because naturally the first thing you should do when you groggily awake after losing consciousness for an unknown period of time is to pour water into a cup at waist level while your computer is under it.

It's fine, but my mouse isn't.

It peeves me immensely.

The mouse is probably what is sapping my need to use the computer (good) and will make me go back to sleep.

I better get my work done tomorrow.

This does not bode well for my health.

Urgh.

I wish I could be more useful to other people. 

I'm severely annoyed that I couldn't find the math assignment that I did halfway a few weeks ago. 

There's a little strange feeling I get when I've realized I've just been patronizing someone really badly.

****************************

I had a really harrowing experience this morning.

Too many memories, too many possibilities.

I'll write it out in a story.

In short?

A bus full of mentally handicapped children, a majority of whom had down's syndrome or something else that manifested physically in their body/facial structure, behaviour aside.

A little girl among them looked normal, I really don't want to know what her fucking problem is.

It's not that I discriminate against them, I just get really freaked out.

They scare me. Too much.

I caught the gaze of one of them who stared me down with his slack jawed expression.

Fierfek.

She was right.

There's no way any sane person would subject themselves to that for 20 years.

I would be a murderer.

Because I'm weak.

There goes another piece of my naivety.

Hurt fades, so I've learned
Into gnawing apathy,
eating your memories.

but I'm a memory
to you, and perhaps not more
so bring me to life.

Labels: poetree

There's a thought within me that tells me that maybe divine intervention has already occurred.

But if so, why do the signs keep coming?

They're driving me insane.

*******************************

Everyone's being worn down, it's troubling.

And everything is falling apart, because no one has the strength to care anymore.

This is a shitty time to be rebuilding my life really.

......

But no really. Shit.

Every new path I take, or old path even is leading me to yet another roadblock.

I don't even know what the point is.

What am I supposed to learn here?

Don't trust anyone?

**************************

I'm always here.

I'm always here for you.

You all.

But it's like if I left it, then I would always BE here.

I, being me, would always, ALWAYS, be here.

Just me.

And is it really just me, or is there something terribly fucking sad about that?

I've always had an issue with the phrase a "window of opportunity". A window after all, cannot provide opportunity. It is an opening, but only for looking, and not for jumping through.

Labels: stories

So I slip into my second last day of extra holiday, I've done absolutely nothing at all.

I love the nation, but watching NDP feels more and more like a chore.

I'm soaking up the rest.

And sorting out my head.

Dear God,

for all the times that I've failed to be something, or someone that you can be proud of.

For all the times when I've failed you, doubly so in front of others, I am sorry.

For the sin of causing others to think ill of your name is a grave and serious one indeed.

I will try harder, and maybe succeed if you will help and let me.

For I do want to be better, partly for myself too. But yes, I think I have too much on my conscience already, and too much inadequacy on my being.

I hope you've let me do the right thing.

I'm afraid.

Labels: God

It's not that I don't want to be done with this, but why on earth does her name keep popping up?

The frequency with which it floats across my field of vision is NOT normal, and cannot simply be attributed to my stupid subconscious.

*****************

I've been very tired lately.

I don't know what to do really.

I'll write.

For all the paramore fan who can't take his rock too hard. ^^

Me.

BRILLIANTE

Labels: music

One of my favourite songs of all time.

Really.

I wish I could perform this one day with a rock band.

That chance would be awesome.

Sometimes I just feel so unappreciated, so unwanted. I just. I just feel terrible.

I don't even know why I bother. It's like I'm saying that too much, but it just seems to come to my mind all the time. People aren't supposed to reciprocate anything you throw their way but seriously, is it too much to ask to be cared for?

And it's not like I can stop. I'm just doing my best to care because it's what's right, it's what I do. And I just get tossed around like a stupid rag doll and I hate that.

I hate how I just looked around and realised that that just wasn't where I belong, and would never be. I was barking up the wrong tree. But I was trying my best to be good too.

I don't get how being good and keeping my conscience safe and well, just trying to do the right thing never seems to pay off. I try and try and try.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my stupid useless self.

And this will never be where I belong, because where I belong has sailed too far for too long.

And maybe that's just it. It's gone. It's all gone.

And I'll just be me. Forever.

Some comfort world?

You feel unwanted stupid Ian? You are unwanted. Go to hell.

*******************

After wondering strangely today why I still bothered with the Angel I realized.

It's all I have left to hold on to.

When you tell yourself that you need to spend more brain cells on things that are not mildly contemplative titles for your mildly contemplative blogposts, or at least need to make them related in a way. Well they are sometimes.

You also need to stop talking in second person, you find it awfully weird at times.

Especially when you're referring to yourself in second person. ;/  <<======== this is my new favourite smiley.

It's slightly remorseful yet hurt, thus saying both sorry and "you should apologize or not take offence at the very least please" at the same time.

Or "Ow, meh"

I also need to stop abandoning projects. It's awfully annoying and ridiculously characteristic of my personality type. I think I'll have an early day tonight.

I'm sorry....! I'm just awfully mood swingy today, as you can see and might be able to tell from my oddly vacillating tone on top of the obviously ridiculously fluctuating subject matter of this post.

I guess it's partly because as a ridiculous anonymous writer once put it to my utter delight "the internet is just not happy" today. So my randomness has nowhere to go. I mean I can't even load a single fucking page.

lol okay I think I've demonstrated enough of my mood swinginess, that was completely unwarranted.

****Must remind myself to never swear for no reason, because becoming that sort of person is just terrible.

*****************************

Must you just kibitz into my life like that and then waltz out?

Close the damn door at least. ^^

Dearest Angel, I don't quite know where to stand.

Why is every day some stupid balancing act? I wonder and I doubt, and I don't want to wonder and doubt.

****************************

Tired. Not enough sleep. Body feels terrible. Urgh.

Tears aren't a sin my friend, and trust me, I know what it feels like to miss someone.

If only life wasn't this stupid.

I really really hate how my day/life gets disrupted by my nose.

I don't get why my body has to be like this.

Stupid pudgy fingers, stupid nose, disgusting hopeless vile skin.

The pain, or now the lack of it rather. The aches, the blood.

The last vestiges of obsession that I hide within me, only allowing them to surface when I obsessively claw at the remaining pieces of scab, staining my fingernails bloody. Or when I chip away at the open wound with a nailcutter, sometimes washed.

When I dig deep into my toe to cut out that piece of nail, bleeding all the time, only stopping to stem the flow when it obscures my vision.

That red trail I leave behind me after I tell myself to suck it up after accidentally kicking a sharp corner, not realising how deep the cut was, or that there even was a cut.

Maybe that's us. People like us. You keep telling yourself you're okay and fine, and everyone else sees the river of blood but you.

But you suck it up, because you're better than that, at least until you die.

Sometimes things from the past come back to haunt you and you wonder how you could just put it aside.

Then you remember. Ah.

People are worth more than that.

***************************************

I think it's troubling how I divide my world into black and white.

In a way it's good, how I whitewash my impressions of people that I trust. It's great that I can not judge totally and treat them like everyone really should treat everyone.

Then you go over to the other side, and all the people I've condemned and demonized in my own head. That's troubling. I get totally irrational about these people.

All the same, it means that if you ask me about people, well I genuinely don't think bad about anyone who is my friend really.

It's just how I work. Despite the fact that I know if you asked many people what they thought of me honestly they would be able to start pointing out all my little flaws one by one by one.

And break me up, psychoanalyze me and put me on a dish.

It's like if I gave them the key, they would throw the door way way open and expose my nakedness to the world and laugh and point.

But no. I trust.

There's not much more I can do.

I don't like the chorus too much but. I'M IN LOVE WITH METTE LINDBERG. <3

Labels: music

I'm an idiot.

It doesn't quite hit me until now. And I'm just sad because, well. It shouldn't have been like that.

Should've read the signs, should've just not. It was double pressure I suppose. But yes I was wrong.

We were both wrong. But I suppose she has reasons to believe what she believes. And I guess I didn't really understand until someone else laid it out for me.

I asked for direction, and now I've got it.

"Don't overdo it" in fact, just got a lot more serious.

I don't want to mess this up again.

This time it'll be different. ;/

Cross my heart.

It's just not going to be easy. I hate not knowing how to tread.

But i guess an apology is long overdue, and you know who you are.

I'm sorry.


Forgive me please.  

I love this band.

I love this singer.

I am, in awe of the groove.

And Mette Lindberg.

METTE LINDBERG.

I've definitely posted this before but who gives A SHIT.





Their style is usually a bit more psychedelic than this wondrously delightful song, but overall it's weird.

I think it's best summed up by this horrible reviewer who hates Mette Lindberg and calls her an annoying singer :

"Frankly, the appeal of the whole album's real hard to put into words. On one hand, it's easy to be very taken away by the album's wild sense of life - it's pulsing and very upbeat tone, the wild energy it somehow crams into shorter songs not a hair under 3 and a half minutes - with a few exceptions. But even that's kind of a stretch, especially when a good quarter of the album is fill of filler and tracks that the album could of gone without, and that vocalist who keeps singing in that voice that sounds like she's got the microphone halfway up her vagina doesn't help. It's still more than worthy to carry this band's definitely promising name, and it's definitely something to get into - the unique sound will wrap over you like a sodden blanket. But approach with an open mind - it's an album to grow towards. Like a hand of FreeCell - no matter how annoying it may seem at first, you'll get hooked soon if you give it a chance."

Labels: music

Is how I felt yesterday and today.

It is absolutely how ridiculous I threw myself around yesterday for a SPORT of all things.

Well what can I say, I love football ^^

Still, my entire body aches and I have a disturbing bruise on my neck. Urgh.

I won't get to do that again in a long time though. ):

I miss playing football.

The bell rang and he looked over at her at the far end of the table. A wave of students rushed past, hurrying on to the next class, she was fast asleep. 

Sometimes I wonder why people disappoint me too much. Is it, that I expect too much from them?

But I do hold them to the same standard that I hold myself to, maybe that's also why I fail myself so much.

************************************

Maybe it was something in my face, as I walked along distractedly, or maybe it was just my strange appearance, but the angel cracked a smile as she walked past, a brilliant bright smile. I knew that smile, usually only reserved for dear ones, so captivating in it's warmth. I nearly stopped and turned right there you see, I hadn't seen that smile in a long long time.

***********************************

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
 ba da da da da da da da da daaa da da daaaa da da daaaaa da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Hahaha, how could I ever forget the joy of this

Labels: music

I really miss the way she sings. 

That people don't change, but they do change their mind.

And that's worse, because when you stop being who you were to them, they stop being who they were to you.

And you . You just lose.

Dearly.

to pack my bags and go?

You stupid fool. You knew there was no going back.

So why did you wait out in the rain for so long?

And it rains and it rains and it rains.

This country is stale.

Labels: my weird opinion, rant, stories

I don't really know if I want to sign up to be an ogl next year for orientation.

But I'll sign up anyway.

My way of leaving things up to God, by way of chance is to be woefully honest in my responses.

Which the last time I remember, didn't get me anywhere and got me horribly disappointed.

I don't really care that much though, though I will feel awfully insulted.

I'll have the whole holidays  to relax and take time off.

So I'll answer the questions like this :

Name any relevant past experience you've had:

N/A

What are the reasons for wanting to be a part of the aforementioned subcommittees?

I'm mainly interested in S&D and Storyline because of my prior experience in Music and Drama. I've done music for a couple of years and can play a few instruments, and took it as a subject for 2 years in RI, not that that really matters. I really really cannot dance though. I'm currently in Raffles Players and have stage experience, and I don't mind working backstage if it's needed. I would say I'm pretty comfortable performing. As for War Games well, I guess I can look mildly intimidating on my day, I wouldn't say I have a strong preference for it over any of the other remaining sub committees anyway.

Heck. Mild irreverence. Good enough for me.

I may or may not slightly change my tone for the written form, which has a higher chance of ending up in the hands of teachers instead of bemused student councilors.

Okay, i have an unidentified stalker who uses a mac and checks my blog pretty frequently.

Hello...?

Most flattered.

************************************

I don't understand the world sometimes and what it throws my way.

I don't know what's been going on this year. It's been so strange.

And nothing's going to be the same again. Not ever.

I don't understand people better, experiences have been less real.

I'm still looking for some authenticity, and not finding it. And I'm becoming less.

I'm experiencing less, being less. Less of what I want to be, what I want myself to be, less sure of where I am and where I'm going.

And it's become less important. And other things were more important but now there just isn't anything less and I find myself equally uninmportant.

I want to try, but I've got nothing to try for.

Maybe I need to learn the importance of waiting.

Yes I do. The importance of inaction as a choice. The choice of doing nothing, to actively participate in passivity.

As much as I want to throw myself into the current and just flow along, I don't want to "hibernate" and awake months later, unchanged.

Exactly where I am, exactly where I don't want to be.

Then things won't get better.

You see here I am again, telling myself I need to do this, I need to do that.

Maybe for once I need to do nothing. Which is different from sitting around and trying to relax, or pass the time. I need to still my soul again, and maybe listen to it. Longer than usual. Who knows what I'll find.

...I also need someone to parachute into my life.

*****************************************

set the songbird free
for your gilded cage won't do
for free flight and song

So fly along.

Labels: poetree

After my abject failure in songwriting last month, which unfortunately only happened after I wrote lyrics to a chorus which I had to reimagine after I forgot the initial one, and the chorus was a terrible one, but the lyrics were great so I refused to write a new one.

Here goes my second attempt.

Incidentally, my first attempt at songwriting since I semi picked up poetry.

I found it a lot easier.

Love is the stars,
bringing light to the sky above
glowing so brightly
as they burn to dust

Hope is a comet
Searching for piece as she falls to earth
falling to pieces
a broken shooting star (I'm a little unsure of this line)

It's a little bit too hard to fix this now,
So I'm gonna leave, for a while or more
It's a little bit too wrong to make this right,
So I'll say goodbye, and I'll say goodnight
For now.

It's not too late,
It's not too late for us to try
to find a way back
to where we used to be
It's not too late
too late to give without a fight

*****

I'm stuck.

Any help geniuses?

Labels: music

No but really.

Do you want me here?

I don't know. I don't haven't known what you've been thinking for a long long time.

I sent you a text a while back ya know.  ^^

*********************************

I seem to be full of a disturbing single mindedness that brings me to top, or aggressively pursue the pinnacle in a few pointless activities;

table soccer and scramble with friends being two of those things in recent times.

There have actually been only two of these pursuits that have really helped me personally and those would be that of the uke and of singing.

Though my singing is still pretty problematic I'm pretty sure I used to be a long way off where I was before.

And when I started on that piece of four-stringed heaven, I was afraid I would never be able to play another instrument with ease, couple that with the fear I had after my ridiculous failure to master the guitar beyond the simple basics.

Shit, I need to find this determination within me for like everything.

I'm bloody lazy.

I'm sorry.

There's need, and then there's me.

Need makes me ballistic. It makes me feel horrible, terrible and makes me feel like destroying everything around me and performing drastic intervention.

Me knows that's wrong. But me, was withered worn out and too tired to think clearly.

But me misses you too.

The difference is that me can sincerely wish you the best, and stay out of your life.

Because it's what's best.

Not for me maybe.

But it's for the best.

Okay.

I'm losing sight of myself in all of this. Myself. And the world.

I need to get a grip. This is not my problem.

This has not been my problem for more than a goddamned month now.

Oh heart, you lie so bad.

Labels: music

Fuck my lying heart.

Sisyphian death
Is mine in her cold service
toiling to no end

****************

But my own.

I can't just discount my feelings.

I wish I could though.

Labels: poetree

Fuck it universe.

I thought i told you to drop me a break.

Drop me a break.

Drop me a break.

DROP ME A BREAK.

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

SOME RELIEF.

NOT THIS FUCKING SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Screw off.

Fuck you.

Okay. I'm hurt.

Hurt too badly.

I gotta get outta here.

It's the second day I've fallen sick in the week and things are not looking up.

Crappy exam results, a shitty personal life and unending clamouring from people to get shit done.

Maybe this is what it feels like to hit rock bottom.

I'm just tired.

I don't have energy to write here other than this cursory post, no more energy to blast out another haiku in my frustration.

Don't have energy to sing anymore.

Give me a fucking break universe.

I think I may have a mild form of Dependent personality disorder.

My friend stumbled upon it today and it scares me.

Might be that or BPD, which would be worse.

I really need to go see a shrink one day.

I need to get myself fixed.

**************

Also.

I'm glad I've been replaced.

Yes. I'm saying that bitterly. Sigh.

It's been a trying week for me.

I nearly broke down today. A few times. It's just everything.

*******************************

Hey you.

Yeah you.

I know I shouldn't be writing this, but it just feels weird. It's sad because no one else knows me like you. And I can't write what I'm writing right now to anyone but you and the empty unjudging universe.

I know you do, but it's different. It's okay.

Things have been horrible in so many different ways. Nominal friends from whom I expected more, not only not letting things grow, but showing themselves to be untrustworthy. People just acting strangely. Not acting strangely I suppose, just people acting like they just talk to me out of guilt, but I can't quite bring myself to accept it.

I should be expecting it I know. But I hate that thought. But you were right. I should be expecting it.

It's one thing if it's just a few people you know, but it's everyone.

There's still a bit of hope, because at least some people in the world finally noticed when I very nearly lost it today.

But people don't seem to notice until I'm right at the edge. I mean am I really that good at hiding things?

Maybe I am. But still, people entertaining me sorely out of pity isn't what I want either.

It won't bring me anything I want. Pity is patronising, most of the time. And we all know where that road leads you.

Dissatisfaction.

I'm just so weary, tired, and jaded. Things that, maybe you never realised I could be. But I am.

See is, you told me once that you wished for someone who could be strong for you.

But you were my strength, and with you around, I was never tired weary or jaded. Because you were around.

And now everything I do just leads to more frustration; a new roadblock appears everytime there's a hint of promise. Don't get me wrong, it's not that this stupidly large void within me calls out your name. It's just empty. And nothing I do can fill it. I want to bury it and clog it up with a billion meaningless things and only feel that strange funny feeling once in a billion years, but there's just nothing to pour into it. I've moved past the stage where I'd stand at the edge and wonder if I'd forget it when it fills out. I've been desperately chucking stuff in, but the stuff isn't going in.

If you know what I mean.

And I've been feeling like crying. So much. I've just been looking for someone who I'd care and trust enough to hold me while I fade and crumble for an hour or so. But there hasn't been anyone. And really, I don't think there has been anyone but you.

Not that you ever saw me cry. You never wanted that. You never liked that side of me.

Not everyone gets to see that side you know.

It's been a great week for failure too.

I've always been flippant about it around you, but me too. I lied when I said my insecurities about failure were in the past. They're always around. I just bury them. Bury them deep. But time and time and time and again it hits me. Personally. It's not that I lament failing a horrendously difficult math test that everyone scrapes and stuff, but no. Whenever the teacher says, "oh most of you have done well" I always get the sinking feeling that I'm not one of them. It happened last year, and it happened again.

I've been lazy but it's not just the stuff I could've studied harder for. I nearly failed GP and sat in a class full of happy bubbly excited people clapping away at their awesomeness for being an awesome class full of "b"s, which is pretty good.

I was one of the "two cs and a d" that tainted the class score, and yes I was the fucking d.

Failure fucks with my mind too darling, so as "intelligent" as I may be, it doesn't mean jack shit. The only hope I have left is literature. If I do badly for that, or worse than average, I'm just going to break.

So yes, I've not been fine.

And I don't deny that I need you back. But at least now it's not a "you" thing. It's a "something that will unfuck my life" whatever it will be. You just look like the last alternative left. But I know you've got shit of your own to handle. And life. And stuff. Okay.

I guess i just need some cheering up.

I'm going to cry now.

Woefully yours,

ian

I don't know if I've posted this song before or how many times I've talked about I love this band.

The nostalgia and sense of idleness.

Ahhhh.

Well I loved them, before their new stuff came out.



\
A fresh new discovery of mine, and a soon to be favourite.

You know something?

Augustana, proof that geniuses do lose their way.

May I never.

twenty yearsssss

Labels: music

The longest day of the year if I'm not mistaken.

****************************

Meanwhile I struggle to understand my existence.

Because I'm really really not worth time of day.

Ever since the days grew longer i've found myself having more time for people.

No one wants to take that time up anyway.

I have my studies.

But that's not the life I want to live.

I'm all out of trust.

Hearts that love too much
Find themselves disappointed
And then love the least.

I'm sorry world.

Am I too much of a chore for you?

Forceful fucking lies
So revealing in failure
All for my own good

My own fucking good.

Labels: poetree

Hope is missing you
and knowing that broken bones
will have life once more

Faith would be the stars
When they shine at their brightest
Burning in beauty

Labels: poetree

Once again I've proved myself as a class A neurotic.

Thank you God for yesterday.

Thank you God for yesterday.

Thank you God for yesterday.

And keep her well.