I just realized today that my brother is growing up to be like my father. And that scares me like hell. I told myself I would never be like him, and really theres no reason to tolerate anyone who behaves like that.

Obsessive, egotistical up to the point of megalomania, selfish, obstinate, clumsily manipulative, calculating, a disregard for the feelings of others, and an unhealthy inferiority complex.

The inferiority complex wasn't his fault. But I can see it now.

And he's too far gone for me to change him.

I've lost any meaningful or real contact with my brothers ever since our schedules clashed way back when I was in primary school. As I moved to secondary school and my brothers stayed it together it was as if they banded themselves against me.

You see now for me at home its as if I'm an invader, stepping in all the time. I'm not part of their activities, their fun, if I disagree with anything then obviously theres something wrong with me.

Fine, so I leave them alone.

But they snipe at me, all the time, its almost the same sort of crap that I get from people at school. The thing is that whenever people snipe at me they win.

If you're talking about a war of words. I lose.

Everything everyone says goes right straight into my heart.

No matter how much I hate people.

If I manage to reply with powerful biting words and it seems like I don't care at all.

Thats exactly it.

It just seems that way.

Because everytime someone launches a verbal assault on me, I have to fight back the tears.

Its either that, or I get angry.

And when I get angry, I can't think properly, and it ends up with me wanting to beat the shit out of anyone.

I can't win a war of words. Cause most of the time I get too choked up to compose a coherent reply. Either that or I just immobilize myself.

If I don't immobilize myself, I will get physical.

I do badly with conflicts really.

Perfect bullying material.

Until I strike back.

But I can't strike back you see.

The thing is, its like this at home too.

There is no escape.

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.