Belles, Stars and Boulevards

Starstruck
Because Cute, Smart, and Funny don't mean a thing The above was supposed to be the real title, but trust me the blogskin screwed up on me Living life to the fullest And I won't say anything at all. To all the lovely bitches like you Get your boots on
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I'd Hate Myself Without You - Friday, September 30, 2011 @ 10:59 PM

Everything about this song is perfect.

The guitar riff, the blasting, the quiet moments. Its all balanced.

The breaks, the melody all the way down to the intricate turns of the lyrics.

And in the end it makes me feel like crying.

Songwriting is a personal thing. At it's best its a glimpse into the songwriter's heart. And when you see someone sing his heart out like that; you can't help but feel.

never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want
I can take it if you need to take this out on someone

That little bitch with her head held so high
talking shit when I cut myself so I could feel something I know is not a lie

That one stings a little
I'm always in the middle
I don't expect but try me
And you will always find me here
This is where I scream from

You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know, yeah
Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet
Cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself without you now

Hurts the same when nobody knows
I guess that's just how it goes
And I won't say anything at all

I was talking on a dollar sign
anxious, scared of what you need
Everybody wants a piece of you
Everyone takes a piece of me

That one stings a little
I'm always in the middle
I don't expect but try me
And you will always find me here
This is where I scream from

You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know, yeah
Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet
Cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself without you now

Hurts the same when nobody knows
I guess that's just how it goes
And I won't say anything at all

This is the hook
Take it like I took
I'm shaking like I shook before
Maybe I'm a little better off
I'm not the only one
This is where I stopped before
And now another piece of me
I always slip away from
I always slip away from

I won't say anything but
You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know, yeah
Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet
Cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself

Hurts the same when nobody knows
I guess that's just how it goes
And I won't say anything at all

I won't say anything at all
I won't say anything at all

This song really does so much more than sound good.

Labels: music

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Say Anything - @ 6:59 PM

They gave a talk today for CLE. It was boring as hell.

But I remember one thing one of the speakers said.

It was a career guidance talk.

"Most people don't know what they want to do for their careers at 16."

I thought its most people don't know what type of devious job they'll end up having to do.

Sigh, if only wanting to do something could fix problems just like that.

Now, the question is.

How.

Labels: dreams, fragments

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I haven't had enough - Thursday, September 29, 2011 @ 10:06 PM

What was I thinking.

Leaving this out.

Oh.

I'm in Love.

I think its a testament to how ballistic I am that I didn't notice I posted this earlier.

OH COME ON.
THEY ARE SO GOOD. THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR MY NEXT BIRTHDAY. IF YOU GET IT I WILL LOVE YOU FOR EVER AND EVER.

Labels: music

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To Wish She had Never Dream't - @ 8:50 PM

I wonder what ever made me stop listening to this band.

(answer, pure laziness.)

I regret.

My only problem now is which of their songs to post here.

I'll settle for two.

Oh yes.

Oh I'm sorry.

A third.

Pleaseeeee. Just listen to them.

This is freaking brilliant.

I have to get their next album. Ever after.

MUST GET.

Labels: music

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Its Hard To Belong - Tuesday, September 27, 2011 @ 10:17 PM

Victoria ran out of her front door, leaving it open, the swirling maelstrom of emotion following her out, leaving its twisted trail behind as she slammed open the door to the stairwell and pounded her way up blind. Never, again, she told herself. Never.

7th floor, 8th floor, 9th, 10th, circling, thrashing her way upwards through the sea of red until she finally burst through the door at the 20th storey, the sounds of the eternal city instantly washing over her as the night sky opened up above. She ran out of momentum a few steps away from the door, gasping for breath as the cool air hit her lungs, and stumbled over to the edge, staring at the blaring noise from the traffic below her.

"So what brings you up here young lady"

The casual drawl startled her; vulnerable and raw, she spun around tensely. It was a man, his face full of stubble, on a plastic deck chair, gleaming white in the dim brown that was the roof. He leaned back into his chair and after drawing a deep breath from his pipe, unleashed a foul smelling cloud of smoke from his pipe.

She didn't know what to say,

"Stuff...I guess"

"Always is," he said sighing, "nobody just ends up here. Unless cos you're me of course."

Victoria stood there in silence as he sank into a silent depression, the quiet surface opaquely concealing the turmoil that must be within. Quietly he intoned, "Look up into the sky."

She looked up, above the city lights and light haze, and saw stars. Stars upon stars upon stars, twinkling, dazzling, winking stars. She looked away for a moment and saw the man had gotten up, his face now pale in the moonlight.

"Beautiful ain't it." he whispered, not pausing from his look into the heavens.

His eyes took on a faraway look, and she turned her gaze back to the depths of the galaxies as he softly breathed,

"Star light, Star bright

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight"

Suddenly she felt dumb. What was she doing there anyway. Guilt and confusion washed through her as she backed away instinctively.

"I'm sorry." she said, realising who the real intruder was.

He broke and regarded the girl gently once more, and as Victoria stared into his eyes she saw an understanding there; the sense that the soul considering hers had known, had been and had moved on. Feeling self-conscious she looked away and saw him smile.

"You're alright kiddo," he chuckled to himself; seeing her confused face, he stilled his laughter. "Just realise you ain't alone, and find your own space you know what I mean?"

She sighed for the first time that night, his words sounding hollow to her; it wasn't that she didn't know, but realising that fact didn't make her problems any easier to deal with.

He smiled knowingly.

"Oh but Victoria, I do know."

"How did you know...."

He slipped off his trench coat as he unfolded his six foot wings, and shook them free as they shone, gleaming white under the light of the moon, taking on a ethereal glow, brilliance unlike anything she'd ever seen.

"Even angels have their problems, just remember; you ain't as alone as you think."

Weariness all gone, he tilted his head upwards, looking out into the sky.

"Someone's thinking of you, don't forget that."

And with that he was gone.

************************************************

*Vic if you ever read this uh, sorry I just thought your name fitted best lol.

Labels: stories

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Once in September - Monday, September 26, 2011 @ 10:58 PM

I've been spaced out all evening trying to do a story.

Its crazy how much time I spent like that.

It's still not done.

Don't get your hopes too high though, just cause its taking me 3 days to write doesn't mean its that good.

Zzt, this week seems like a math spammage week.

And I still have to finish writing that song.

Lol just to top it off, worry level, nah more like percent not studied for subjects:

Chem : 80% Physics 60% Math : 60%(for this one its the practice) Lit:50%(Yeah...there's stuff to study this time)Hist: 80% Chinese: 40% (cause I can't do much lol) English: 0% (aiyah compre only mah)

Labels: fragments, rant

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Just can't get enough - Sunday, September 25, 2011 @ 10:08 PM

It's been awhile since I've seen the boys win.

Towards the end of the game I kinda half switched off, and then suddenly I noticed a player stretching his legs, powering his way through the field in an all too familiar way, knocking the ball ahead of him with his head and then blasting a powerful strike a metre or so above the crossbar from 30 yards out.

Captain Miracle is back.

Labels: soccer

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Already outta the door - Saturday, September 24, 2011 @ 8:09 PM

Somehow this week ended well.

The only thing that would make it complete is the end of my dry spell.

Which has somehow extended to three months now.

It hasn't looked like ending, in fact its getting worse.

I mean I'm struggling to get regular posts in here now.

Oh enough of that.

Just concentrate on flying your flag little boy, oh you show them well and good.

Labels: dreams, fragments

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No one said it would be easy - @ 8:03 PM

I think I've finally got over her.

Not in that way, but I think I've got used to the fact(yeah its a fact now) that she just sick of me or whatever.

Its something that shouldn't have bothered me that much I guess.

But honestly I thought we hit off well, I ~~properly~~ probably(yeah I'm agitated)irritated her with something I said, or creeped her out.

I should get used to it I guess, people just deciding they've had enough of me.

I've done it to enough people, but I thought it took a lot more than that for people to just decide things like that.

Some part of me still hopes I'm wrong, and she's just being whatever.

But that part of me grows softer by the day and I guess its more important to start asking why instead of if.

But I guess the reason why I don't want to ask why is cause I really don't know, and I'm scared to know the answer.

Get used to it dear.

It's just so confusing. So disappointing. She spun me out of that half-depressive loop with her effusive personality and then.

That's just it.

It's a huge question mark hanging over the whole damn thing.

Oh well.

Labels: confused, lost

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Smell the Break of Dawn - @ 8:00 PM

That mandolin is getting to me.

I really want to learn it now.

Either that, or get good enough with the uke to play that riff which is so far down the fretboard.

Maybe I should get proper lessons.

Yeah.

Labels: Lukila, music

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I'll Stay Forever ` - Thursday, September 22, 2011 @ 11:22 PM

Psychaedelic Pop makes for interesting party music.

Labels: music

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Different - @ 7:49 PM

Someone said that people run away from needy people.

Maybe its cause I'm one of them.

But I don't.

I find them the ones that can truly appreciate you just for being there.

**********************************************************

Sometimes I get really odd memories in my head and then I realise that its the contents of my morning's dream.

I do really odd things in my dreams.

I actually dreamt I got a text from this person. That would make me quite happy if it came in real life, in the dream I was all meh. Let me finish my epic quest.

Oh yes, my epic quest. That I unfortunately do not remember much of.

I remember I enjoy them.

haha

Labels: dreams, fragments, my weird opinion

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Rain on Me - Wednesday, September 21, 2011 @ 8:04 PM

I'm checking up MBTI again. Honestly I found this list on the weaknesses of my personality type. A lot of it is disturbingly accurate.

May be extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism

I'm glad to say I don't have a problem with this anymore, but sometimes little things can still rankle me.

May perceive criticism where none was intended.

Guilty.

May have skewed or unrealistic ideas about reality

This is true in a lot of different ways, I have many weird ideas about how life works, what I expect from people, and who I think they are. I really don't find out until something extremely stupid happens as a result.

May be unable to acknowledge or hear anything that goes against their personal ideas and opinions

To some extent it is hard for me to accommodate contrary views from mine when its against a strong opinion that I hold. It's narrow-mindedness. But I get over it.

Its still a problem. Just one that I deal with. Generally. When I don't forget....

May blame their problems on other people, seeing themselves as victims who are treated unfairly

I guess many things in my life are the fault of "other people". Yeah its really senseless how I hate to blame myself.

May have great anger, and show this anger with rash outpourings of bad temper

If you read this blog, I think you shouldn't have any doubts about the great anger part.

I've talked a lot about how to me anger is like a cup. I have many cups for different people. The cups slowly get filled over time until one day I go poom.

Thats why to some people i'm just a really passive target who's okay with a little over the top ribbing and then suddenly.

Bam.

May be unaware of appropriate social behavior

I don't even need to talk about my problems with this if you know me. Its a crazy major problem. Appropriate isn't even in my vocabulary. My normal behaviour isn't exactly social either.

Lol.

May be oblivious to their personal appearance, or to appropriate dress

This really happened in the past, though I was a different person then. Though I don't want to admit it, I'm pretty conscious of how I look and how people judge me because of that.

May come across as eccentric, or perhaps even generally strange to others, without being aware of it

Lets just say we'll never be able to fix the first one, but I'm definitely aware of it at least.

Doesn't change much lol.

May be unable to see or understand anyone else's point of view

May value their own opinions and feelings far above others

Selfish little me.

May be unaware of how their behavior affects others

I just don't think at times.

May be oblivious to other people's need

I try to look, but I forget. A lot.

May feel overwhelmed with tension and stress when someone expresses disagreement with the person or disapproval of the person

If I value you enough, criticism will cut deep.

May develop strong judgments that are difficult to unseed against people who they perceive have been oppressive or suppressive to them

This. I don't know. I've been burned too many times trusting the wrong people. When I get a strong impression of someone, a bad impression, its hard to convince me otherwise.

I'm too scared you see, I don't even know if I want to change this.

Under great stress, may obsess about details that are unimportant to the big picture of things

Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly

As you can see, I don't do well with stress.

May have unreasonable expectations of others
May have difficulty maintaining close relationships, due to unreasonable expectations

I'd like to think not. But I can't say no for sure.

Well, at least I know where to start.

Sigh.

One at a time little boy, one at a time.

Labels: myself

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Through the Sadness - Tuesday, September 20, 2011 @ 8:30 PM

It's always a bad sign when my spelling goes wonky.

When my english goes wonky at least, it means I'm in a rather emotional state of mind.

************************************************

I struggle with the fact that I am by nature a selfish person.

It's natural for me to grab whatever's best for myself.

An inbred overcompetitveness is part of it, but not all of it.

Thinking about my own interests isn't a problem, but I sometimes get into trouble for simply not thinking about others.

At least for its only on a subconscious level, I'd like to believe.

I thought I was the type of person who'd do anything for someone who was willing to do the same.

Or a little less than the same.

But only for hope of the same.

Is that still selfish?

I really don't know.

Is it possible to still think of yourself first, and leave room for others?

Can a selfish person still be a good person?

I hate selfishness you see.

I hate myself.

Labels: confused, fragments, myself, sanity

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Take me to the Riverside - Sunday, September 18, 2011 @ 10:27 PM

I've mentioned before many times how much I hate my school.

The culture and what it does to people.

Because of that I've just isolated myself from everyone in that junk ridden heap except a few whom I knew I could count on to be different, to be brave strong good and free. Who I could trust.

I was wrong to do that I guess.

I shouldn't have trusted them at all.

******************************************************

An exaggeration no doubt, I've just grabbed too tightly to people who didn't need it.

And turned my back as the good people drifted away.

Sigh.

Labels: feelings, lost, regrets

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White Hart Lane - @ 8:27 PM

Well we've got skrtel up against bale and Carragher ready to infuriate one more time.

King Kenny I hope you really know what you're doing.

Labels: soccer

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It Ends In Flames - @ 3:04 PM

Honestly I have no clue what he thinks he is.

I have no clue if he even knows who he's supposed to be.

I wouldn't give a shit except for the fact that there's no way to get him out of my life for the time being.

He could've asked nicely or reasoned it out with me and I would've listened. Yeah I might have ended up ignoring his opinion anyway but only if he steamrolled mine as well. Which you should know is more common than you think.

But he threatened me. He did.

I don't respond to threats very well, in fact I have a policy of flat out ignoring them.

I just don't take threats.

Oh what did you say? No responsibility over me any more? Alright, sounds pretty good, it means you stop talking to me right? Like you haven't been for the past um how many years?

Of course if you mean not talking to me AND giving me an endless stream of petty and nonsensical orders then whoopee.

I'm free.

No university education I hear you say.

Fine, that's alright. It means I won't owe you anything.

I'll work something out for myself thank you very much.

Jackass.

Labels: don't back down, family, rant

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If it's born in flames - Saturday, September 17, 2011 @ 9:14 PM

If you could see what's inside my heart, would you still treat me the same way?

For so many people, for so many reasons.

Most probably not.

Labels: fragments

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Hear the Socially Awkward - @ 12:28 AM

Hey there, I'm Ian, I came down today to watch you and I guess I got quite a few things to say. I've been like um um um for the past two times and since the third opportunity for me to do that seems a long time away, and well since I'm so ~~stupid~~ socially awkward I'm taking the time to write this. I hope you don't mind.

I'm the aspiring musician you see. About two years ago at the ripe old age of fourteen I acknowledged what I had known for most the later part of my young life then, that music was my passion and was the one thing I wanted to do and could see myself doing. I picked up a guitar and started singing a lot. A real lot. It was a dream of course, and I didn't quite half believe it was going to happen, but I considered it.

Everyone over knows what musicians are here, they don't earn a living, its stupid and impossible to try or even dream about becoming one. Go study another 4 hours and become a lawyer or something. Everything I saw just reinforced it, I watched Singapore idol and I saw as one by one as the contestants faded from memory, even the winners themselves. No one did it. Singer-songwriter in Singapore? Unless your name is Dick Lee and you want to migrate to Japan, or you're skilled in Chinese and have no qualms about a stay in China or Taiwan then forget it. I'm not exactly going proficient in Chinese in the next one hundred years or so so that kinda was it for me.

A while back, maybe more than a year ago I heard Rule the World on 987fm and I checked it out online. I discovered your music and I realised that hey, someone was actually doing it. That there was someone in this small dumb island who was actually writing music of her own, on her own, really amazing music as well. It totally blew my mind and really really let me dream a lot harder.

And two years on I've really gotten more serious about it. Still not serious enough I guess. I've picked up the uke, after giving up on the guitar especially since I'm as good as I was two years ago, which is to say very bad. Might give it a second shot though. I've written about nine songs I since I picked up songwriting last year I think...out of which about 3 or 4 have some worth. Oh well. I play keys for my church's youth band now. And that's it. I've run into problems actually doing anything with any material I have, I don't know that many people who share my passion, and I know zilch how to get started, and I certainly don't like sitting on my ass all day. (some might say I go to school, but that's just a distraction)

Oh I've been ranting again, but I guess I hope you understand a little why I'm so uhm..."um-ish" around you, and you'll excuse it at least. Yeah, I know its incredibly weird but uhm, oh well. Thanks for the photos, thanks for the autographs the handshake and the high fives. Thanks for bothering to talk to us. Most importantly thanks for the music and thanks for being my inspiration and hope for the future.

I hope you don't mind.

Now to find a way to get this to you. Urgh. I swear Ian for all your cyberstalking skills you're a complete retard.

Labels: dreams, music, open letter

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Lock Me Up Inside Your Garden - Friday, September 16, 2011 @ 1:37 AM

Sometimes I wish things were so simple.

That you know. We could just while our time away.

Like this.

Labels: happiness, music

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If Its Gonna End - Wednesday, September 14, 2011 @ 5:15 PM

Some relief has sunk in.

Some.

Well...somehow more than what was present sunk in.

Good in some ways I suppose, though in others, not.

Everything is neutral nowadays.

*****************************************

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."- Kurt Cobain.

So true my friend. So true.

Labels: fragments

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That's Not Why I Love You - Monday, September 12, 2011 @ 7:46 PM

Oh bother why did she have to do this.

I'm probably obnoxious but hey, I thought you didn't mind.....at least bother to reply and rebuff my conversation starters with a simple hello, I'm studying now, bye.

Am I really that.

Sigh.

Maybe.

But come on....at least tell me to my face so I'm not stuck here wondering.

....another Avril Lavigne lyric comes to mind.

Don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead

held up so high on such a breakable thread

But seriously.

What the hell girl, what the hell.

Please tell me you aren't doing this on purpose.

Or just tell me what I did, call me messed up and let me get over it.

Someone save me.

(Note, despite the presence of the lyrics of "My Happy Ending" this is not a breakup note, trust me a breakup note by me would be a lot sadder)

(and longer)

All this talking to you

I don't know what I should do

I don't know where I stand

What's inside of your head

You're just standing by

You're just wasting time

Why don't you just tell me the truth

About me and you?

Dammit

Labels: fragments, music, open letter

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From the ballroom floor - Sunday, September 11, 2011 @ 7:23 PM

Ack I think I just broke my voice by stupidly trying to sing hey soul sister in the original key.

I need some water.

I am so not a full blooded tenor

****************************************************

I really don't like the term homophobia.

It implies there's something wrong with people who "discriminate" against people who have that inclination.

I mean if I think its a disgusting thing to do, I'll discriminate against such people as much as I discriminate against robbers and the like.

For the record, my religion says I shouldn't.

Its yellow ribbon month dammit.

Ian your thoughts are in a swirl.

Labels: fragments

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You Don't Know Me - @ 1:32 AM

Sometimes I look into the night sky and wonder where all my friends went.

There aren't many I don't miss.

But for another breath of yours on my ear, to take away the solitude.

Maybe I can fix this, but you seem so far away.

What was I thinking when I let you slip away..

I look to the past, cause that's the only place where I can see hope now.

And the one place where I truly belonged just doesn't exist anymore.

I Wish You Were Here

Labels: feelings, nostalgia, open letter

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I'm not your toy - @ 1:29 AM

Don't treat me as less than what I am.

I don't you see.

I just don't.

Labels: fragments

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!@$@ - Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 9:19 PM

I swear Ian you need to get her off your mind. Its not healthy.

In the end, facebook has become all I feared.

Except the addicting source of games, at least I've kept off those.

*********************************************************

LFC lets beat em Potters.

Hit em Skrteldinho.

Labels: fragments

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Light of The World - Friday, September 9, 2011 @ 8:24 PM

I honestly forgot how refreshing spending time with God was.

I guess I've been avoiding him, for a whole host of reasons, I tell you I was horrified when Wee Theng asked me to go do worship, but I couldn't just say no.

So I dreaded it, I mean, I wasn't worthy to do worship. Really, not at all.

But after coming to God and doing the preparations I realised, that it doesn't matter. It's not about who is worthy to face him or not, because we are all worthy in his eyes.

The worse off we are, the more we need his presence, the more we need him. And when you come to God in prayer, he won't turn you away.

I thank God for the time he provided today. I really needed it.

On a side note, this song was played at that whatever anniversary conference for the EFC Singapore.

It's by The True Worshippers, the extension of the praise and worship team of Jakarta Praise Commmunity Church.

Its a powerful alt rock anthem, at least when I heard it, one of the most intense I have experienced. It sounds pretty good acoustic as well.

You know what. Scratch that. I just listened to the live full version. The acoustic is nothing compared to it. There aren't songs and performers good enough to capture people's attention for four or five minutes. But seriously the eight minutes and a half minutes of my time I spent listening to Glory to Glory was unbelievable.

So here's both. Enjoy!

Seriously full screen this

Labels: feelings, music, Sunshine

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Effortlessly.... - Thursday, September 8, 2011 @ 10:34 PM

funny.

Really.

That's something that would be at the top of all my self-improvement lists.

If not for the fact that it's kinda impossible for me to achieve.

Well I guess I can be funny, not effortlessly and certainly not in the way that I wish I could be.

Yeah, funny enough to attract attention but not in a good way.

You could go on and on and on and on and on.

If you ask girls for what they're looking for in the a guy.

Funny kinda features on 90% of the lists out there.

Its disgusting.

And they complain about guys being superficial.

I mean judging by looks is ~~kinda~~ very bad, but its not like funny is a substantive moral ethical characterial whateverial trait right.

It's just the ability to make other people laugh.

Deep much?

D'arvit.

Urgh.

Labels: my weird opinion

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Say Goodbye to my Heart Tonight - @ 8:17 PM

Right now, this song is the one thing rocking my world.

There's something about the drummer.

I better stop watching.

Haha

(;

Labels: music

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Win Some lose some - Wednesday, September 7, 2011 @ 9:57 AM

Sometimes I look back and I wonder if I did the right thing, to just say goodbye to you.

It's funny cause we've known each other for so long.

Truth is, we haven't been proper friends since forever.

You've never really treated me like someone who could understand, someone who was capable of thinking and all.

I suppose it's cause I took a little longer to grow up, but you treated me as if I never did.

And you still do.

Yeah we still see each other in school, we're classmates even, but hey you know there's nothing there. Nothing much between us anymore.

It sucks cause I know you're lonely, stressed and going crazy and full of emotional turmoil.

But its like I don't mean anything to you.

You have to understand my friend, its not that I've cut you off.

I've just simply stopped trying.

Still I wonder if I've made the right decision, I wonder if you were worth it. Hey buddy, you are a good person, but did you really have to treat me like that?

That's why I've stopped bothering. And I wonder if you even notice.

Labels: open letter

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Pulchritudinous - Monday, September 5, 2011 @ 5:35 PM

Why do things need to be so hard for no reason.

And once again my day gets blown away,

like weird flying comets around the milky way.

Oh why my heart, does this feeling have to stay,

And rhyme can give me no reason.

To forget the highest felony of treason.

*******************************************

But for a second I thought I knew you

And then you slipped away.

Lost forever, fading like a dying flower.

Beautiful, brilliant, but going and gone.

Once so close, but now out of reach,

What I thought we had, now a mockery of what had been before,

like the tentative farewell, on the last embers of a failing romance

We held forever in our palms, a forever of promise.

A promise of forever.

Yet time turns to loss, loss turns to grief

Comfort awaited, and comfort awaiting.

Briefly you extend your hand, but it shimmers into mist

A ghost of memory, risen out of desperation,

Leaving me wondering if that hand,

Was the only thing I thought I saw.

Loss turns to time, it too fades away

But to you my thoughts do turn,

in barren times of mind.

And the world just seems such a lonely place

When you don't have a hand to hold.

Labels: fragments, poetree

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It's a long way down - Sunday, September 4, 2011 @ 11:47 PM

"What the hell, is WRONG WITH YOU", he screamed into his phone, drawing the stares of the passers-by on the road. He was too pissed to care. Angry and frustrated he hung up, violently slamming the red button and jamming his earphones into his ears, once again tuning out the world in his angst, ignoring the car that had to brake suddenly as he stepped onto the road without any regard for his safety.

He allowed himself to feel angry, to let it show on his face, in everything he did. His face felt hot, and he felt the negative energy radiating out from his body in waves, affecting the people around him. He caught a glimpse of fear in the eyes of the people walking the opposite way, a risked glance and the hurried manner with which they moved on. He enjoyed it, and he fed off the perverse joy and the sense of power it gave him.

The strains of a melancholy song filtered into his ear, and his anger slowly dissipated, replaced by an overwhelming sense of emptiness. life is always hard, the song reminded him, and he slowed his walk to a hopeless amble, all fury spent.

He plodded his way to the mall, streams of people flowing and ebbing around him like the tide. Rushing and bending their way around him, heedless emotionless water. His eyes opened only so he could see where he was going, colours whirled around him but he saw nothing.

He saw...a man on a wheelchair, like him, marooned in the mass of people, a static island in the river currents, a stark figure of loneliness. Ignored by all, seen by none.

He moved slowly past a gesturing woman in her 40s, faint lines showing on her face as she held out flyers for him, oblivious to his lack of interest in her and the world at large. A few metres ahead he saw her colleague, a girl, young but older than him.

She looked right at him, her brown eyes studying him carefully. They locked eyes for a moment, and in her eyes he saw an understanding. He nearly stopped right there as they shared that small moment, the people around them oblivious to the change in him. After that moment which felt like forever, she gave him a considered smile and offered him a flyer. He took it.

He entered the shopping centre, he trudged up the stairs aimlessly, he wasn't too sure where he was going, he just knew that he had to keep moving. Just then another song started up, a song of encouragement, of empathy. Face tomorrow, tomorrow's not yesterday, the song urged him.

Pretty please, I know it's a drag,

He surrendered himself to the music, it was his only comfort now,

Wipe your eyes, and put out your head

Wish you could be happy instead

Closing his eyes he tried to remember, a different time, he couldn't really, but for a brief moment he saw a bright future, a future of hope.

There's nothing else I can do

But love you the best that I ca-

And that was it, he broke. Tears brimming, he finally fell, sinking to his feet in desperation. He cried, for all to see.

And the whole world stopped and stared.

Labels: music, stories

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Crystalline Coralescence - Saturday, September 3, 2011 @ 11:33 PM

The one week couldn't have come any earlier.

I've just been physically drained for a long time.

My irregular sleep schedule has been killing me. I guess.

*****************************************

Labels: fragments

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Spin a little tighter - @ 1:53 AM

Chill man she just looked at you. She waved and smiled...

Breathe a little. in....out....in...out..

Gosh. Tell me about it seriously

I'm turning red so often nowadays. Like right now...oh why..

Its disgusting.

And how much longer will it take to cure this, just to cure it cause I can't freaking ignore it.

*****************************************************

I love

Gah.

Does it even matter anymore

****************************************************

Labels: feelings, fragments, Love

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Saving me from sinking - Thursday, September 1, 2011 @ 10:53 PM

Its really great that the distance has just made us closer.

Somehow the rifts, and differences within the group have just been forgotten.

There's a very cool odd sense of closeness that I certainly didn't feel when I was in primary six.

But heck, its a good thing who am I to complain.

***************************************************

It's funny how people change when you don't.

Or at least not as much.

It was very strange seeing her and contrasting that picture with the one in my memory.

She's really not the same person.

For once, someone who I don't know at all knows me reasonably well.

Feels strange, and good.

I like version 2.0 better anyway.

Shhhhhh, version 2.0 probably likes me better too.

Labels: happiness, nostalgia, Sunshine

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I'd Hate Myself Without You - Friday, September 30, 2011 @ 10:59 PM

Everything about this song is perfect.

The guitar riff, the blasting, the quiet moments. Its all balanced.

The breaks, the melody all the way down to the intricate turns of the lyrics.

And in the end it makes me feel like crying.

Songwriting is a personal thing. At it's best its a glimpse into the songwriter's heart. And when you see someone sing his heart out like that; you can't help but feel.

never took you for a trick but sometimes I don't know what you want
I can take it if you need to take this out on someone

That little bitch with her head held so high
talking shit when I cut myself so I could feel something I know is not a lie

That one stings a little
I'm always in the middle
I don't expect but try me
And you will always find me here
This is where I scream from

You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know, yeah
Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet
Cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself without you now

Hurts the same when nobody knows
I guess that's just how it goes
And I won't say anything at all

I was talking on a dollar sign
anxious, scared of what you need
Everybody wants a piece of you
Everyone takes a piece of me

That one stings a little
I'm always in the middle
I don't expect but try me
And you will always find me here
This is where I scream from

You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know, yeah
Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet
Cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself without you now

Hurts the same when nobody knows
I guess that's just how it goes
And I won't say anything at all

This is the hook
Take it like I took
I'm shaking like I shook before
Maybe I'm a little better off
I'm not the only one
This is where I stopped before
And now another piece of me
I always slip away from
I always slip away from

I won't say anything but
You can take it all away and I'll miss
There's a little bit of you in all this
And you can say you only think you know, yeah
Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet
Cause you haven't seen any of my best
You know I hate myself

Hurts the same when nobody knows
I guess that's just how it goes
And I won't say anything at all

I won't say anything at all
I won't say anything at all

This song really does so much more than sound good.

Labels: music

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Say Anything - @ 6:59 PM

They gave a talk today for CLE. It was boring as hell.

But I remember one thing one of the speakers said.

It was a career guidance talk.

"Most people don't know what they want to do for their careers at 16."

I thought its most people don't know what type of devious job they'll end up having to do.

Sigh, if only wanting to do something could fix problems just like that.

Now, the question is.

How.

Labels: dreams, fragments

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I haven't had enough - Thursday, September 29, 2011 @ 10:06 PM

What was I thinking.

Leaving this out.

Oh.

I'm in Love.

I think its a testament to how ballistic I am that I didn't notice I posted this earlier.

OH COME ON.
THEY ARE SO GOOD. THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR MY NEXT BIRTHDAY. IF YOU GET IT I WILL LOVE YOU FOR EVER AND EVER.

Labels: music

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To Wish She had Never Dream't - @ 8:50 PM

I wonder what ever made me stop listening to this band.

(answer, pure laziness.)

I regret.

My only problem now is which of their songs to post here.

I'll settle for two.

Oh yes.

Oh I'm sorry.

A third.

Pleaseeeee. Just listen to them.

This is freaking brilliant.

I have to get their next album. Ever after.

MUST GET.

Labels: music

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Its Hard To Belong - Tuesday, September 27, 2011 @ 10:17 PM

Victoria ran out of her front door, leaving it open, the swirling maelstrom of emotion following her out, leaving its twisted trail behind as she slammed open the door to the stairwell and pounded her way up blind. Never, again, she told herself. Never.

7th floor, 8th floor, 9th, 10th, circling, thrashing her way upwards through the sea of red until she finally burst through the door at the 20th storey, the sounds of the eternal city instantly washing over her as the night sky opened up above. She ran out of momentum a few steps away from the door, gasping for breath as the cool air hit her lungs, and stumbled over to the edge, staring at the blaring noise from the traffic below her.

"So what brings you up here young lady"

The casual drawl startled her; vulnerable and raw, she spun around tensely. It was a man, his face full of stubble, on a plastic deck chair, gleaming white in the dim brown that was the roof. He leaned back into his chair and after drawing a deep breath from his pipe, unleashed a foul smelling cloud of smoke from his pipe.

She didn't know what to say,

"Stuff...I guess"

"Always is," he said sighing, "nobody just ends up here. Unless cos you're me of course."

Victoria stood there in silence as he sank into a silent depression, the quiet surface opaquely concealing the turmoil that must be within. Quietly he intoned, "Look up into the sky."

She looked up, above the city lights and light haze, and saw stars. Stars upon stars upon stars, twinkling, dazzling, winking stars. She looked away for a moment and saw the man had gotten up, his face now pale in the moonlight.

"Beautiful ain't it." he whispered, not pausing from his look into the heavens.

His eyes took on a faraway look, and she turned her gaze back to the depths of the galaxies as he softly breathed,

"Star light, Star bright

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight"

Suddenly she felt dumb. What was she doing there anyway. Guilt and confusion washed through her as she backed away instinctively.

"I'm sorry." she said, realising who the real intruder was.

He broke and regarded the girl gently once more, and as Victoria stared into his eyes she saw an understanding there; the sense that the soul considering hers had known, had been and had moved on. Feeling self-conscious she looked away and saw him smile.

"You're alright kiddo," he chuckled to himself; seeing her confused face, he stilled his laughter. "Just realise you ain't alone, and find your own space you know what I mean?"

She sighed for the first time that night, his words sounding hollow to her; it wasn't that she didn't know, but realising that fact didn't make her problems any easier to deal with.

He smiled knowingly.

"Oh but Victoria, I do know."

"How did you know...."

He slipped off his trench coat as he unfolded his six foot wings, and shook them free as they shone, gleaming white under the light of the moon, taking on a ethereal glow, brilliance unlike anything she'd ever seen.

"Even angels have their problems, just remember; you ain't as alone as you think."

Weariness all gone, he tilted his head upwards, looking out into the sky.

"Someone's thinking of you, don't forget that."

And with that he was gone.

************************************************

*Vic if you ever read this uh, sorry I just thought your name fitted best lol.

Labels: stories

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Once in September - Monday, September 26, 2011 @ 10:58 PM

I've been spaced out all evening trying to do a story.

Its crazy how much time I spent like that.

It's still not done.

Don't get your hopes too high though, just cause its taking me 3 days to write doesn't mean its that good.

Zzt, this week seems like a math spammage week.

And I still have to finish writing that song.

Lol just to top it off, worry level, nah more like percent not studied for subjects:

Chem : 80% Physics 60% Math : 60%(for this one its the practice) Lit:50%(Yeah...there's stuff to study this time)Hist: 80% Chinese: 40% (cause I can't do much lol) English: 0% (aiyah compre only mah)

Labels: fragments, rant

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Just can't get enough - Sunday, September 25, 2011 @ 10:08 PM

It's been awhile since I've seen the boys win.

Towards the end of the game I kinda half switched off, and then suddenly I noticed a player stretching his legs, powering his way through the field in an all too familiar way, knocking the ball ahead of him with his head and then blasting a powerful strike a metre or so above the crossbar from 30 yards out.

Captain Miracle is back.

Labels: soccer

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Already outta the door - Saturday, September 24, 2011 @ 8:09 PM

Somehow this week ended well.

The only thing that would make it complete is the end of my dry spell.

Which has somehow extended to three months now.

It hasn't looked like ending, in fact its getting worse.

I mean I'm struggling to get regular posts in here now.

Oh enough of that.

Just concentrate on flying your flag little boy, oh you show them well and good.

Labels: dreams, fragments

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No one said it would be easy - @ 8:03 PM

I think I've finally got over her.

Not in that way, but I think I've got used to the fact(yeah its a fact now) that she just sick of me or whatever.

Its something that shouldn't have bothered me that much I guess.

But honestly I thought we hit off well, I ~~properly~~ probably(yeah I'm agitated)irritated her with something I said, or creeped her out.

I should get used to it I guess, people just deciding they've had enough of me.

I've done it to enough people, but I thought it took a lot more than that for people to just decide things like that.

Some part of me still hopes I'm wrong, and she's just being whatever.

But that part of me grows softer by the day and I guess its more important to start asking why instead of if.

But I guess the reason why I don't want to ask why is cause I really don't know, and I'm scared to know the answer.

Get used to it dear.

It's just so confusing. So disappointing. She spun me out of that half-depressive loop with her effusive personality and then.

That's just it.

It's a huge question mark hanging over the whole damn thing.

Oh well.

Labels: confused, lost

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Smell the Break of Dawn - @ 8:00 PM

That mandolin is getting to me.

I really want to learn it now.

Either that, or get good enough with the uke to play that riff which is so far down the fretboard.

Maybe I should get proper lessons.

Yeah.

Labels: Lukila, music

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I'll Stay Forever ` - Thursday, September 22, 2011 @ 11:22 PM

Psychaedelic Pop makes for interesting party music.

Labels: music

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Different - @ 7:49 PM

Someone said that people run away from needy people.

Maybe its cause I'm one of them.

But I don't.

I find them the ones that can truly appreciate you just for being there.

**********************************************************

Sometimes I get really odd memories in my head and then I realise that its the contents of my morning's dream.

I do really odd things in my dreams.

I actually dreamt I got a text from this person. That would make me quite happy if it came in real life, in the dream I was all meh. Let me finish my epic quest.

Oh yes, my epic quest. That I unfortunately do not remember much of.

I remember I enjoy them.

haha

Labels: dreams, fragments, my weird opinion

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Rain on Me - Wednesday, September 21, 2011 @ 8:04 PM

I'm checking up MBTI again. Honestly I found this list on the weaknesses of my personality type. A lot of it is disturbingly accurate.

May be extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism

I'm glad to say I don't have a problem with this anymore, but sometimes little things can still rankle me.

May perceive criticism where none was intended.

Guilty.

May have skewed or unrealistic ideas about reality

This is true in a lot of different ways, I have many weird ideas about how life works, what I expect from people, and who I think they are. I really don't find out until something extremely stupid happens as a result.

May be unable to acknowledge or hear anything that goes against their personal ideas and opinions

To some extent it is hard for me to accommodate contrary views from mine when its against a strong opinion that I hold. It's narrow-mindedness. But I get over it.

Its still a problem. Just one that I deal with. Generally. When I don't forget....

May blame their problems on other people, seeing themselves as victims who are treated unfairly

I guess many things in my life are the fault of "other people". Yeah its really senseless how I hate to blame myself.

May have great anger, and show this anger with rash outpourings of bad temper

If you read this blog, I think you shouldn't have any doubts about the great anger part.

I've talked a lot about how to me anger is like a cup. I have many cups for different people. The cups slowly get filled over time until one day I go poom.

Thats why to some people i'm just a really passive target who's okay with a little over the top ribbing and then suddenly.

Bam.

May be unaware of appropriate social behavior

I don't even need to talk about my problems with this if you know me. Its a crazy major problem. Appropriate isn't even in my vocabulary. My normal behaviour isn't exactly social either.

Lol.

May be oblivious to their personal appearance, or to appropriate dress

This really happened in the past, though I was a different person then. Though I don't want to admit it, I'm pretty conscious of how I look and how people judge me because of that.

May come across as eccentric, or perhaps even generally strange to others, without being aware of it

Lets just say we'll never be able to fix the first one, but I'm definitely aware of it at least.

Doesn't change much lol.

May be unable to see or understand anyone else's point of view

May value their own opinions and feelings far above others

Selfish little me.

May be unaware of how their behavior affects others

I just don't think at times.

May be oblivious to other people's need

I try to look, but I forget. A lot.

May feel overwhelmed with tension and stress when someone expresses disagreement with the person or disapproval of the person

If I value you enough, criticism will cut deep.

May develop strong judgments that are difficult to unseed against people who they perceive have been oppressive or suppressive to them

This. I don't know. I've been burned too many times trusting the wrong people. When I get a strong impression of someone, a bad impression, its hard to convince me otherwise.

I'm too scared you see, I don't even know if I want to change this.

Under great stress, may obsess about details that are unimportant to the big picture of things

Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly

As you can see, I don't do well with stress.

May have unreasonable expectations of others
May have difficulty maintaining close relationships, due to unreasonable expectations

I'd like to think not. But I can't say no for sure.

Well, at least I know where to start.

Sigh.

One at a time little boy, one at a time.

Labels: myself

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Through the Sadness - Tuesday, September 20, 2011 @ 8:30 PM

It's always a bad sign when my spelling goes wonky.

When my english goes wonky at least, it means I'm in a rather emotional state of mind.

************************************************

I struggle with the fact that I am by nature a selfish person.

It's natural for me to grab whatever's best for myself.

An inbred overcompetitveness is part of it, but not all of it.

Thinking about my own interests isn't a problem, but I sometimes get into trouble for simply not thinking about others.

At least for its only on a subconscious level, I'd like to believe.

I thought I was the type of person who'd do anything for someone who was willing to do the same.

Or a little less than the same.

But only for hope of the same.

Is that still selfish?

I really don't know.

Is it possible to still think of yourself first, and leave room for others?

Can a selfish person still be a good person?

I hate selfishness you see.

I hate myself.

Labels: confused, fragments, myself, sanity

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Take me to the Riverside - Sunday, September 18, 2011 @ 10:27 PM

I've mentioned before many times how much I hate my school.

The culture and what it does to people.

Because of that I've just isolated myself from everyone in that junk ridden heap except a few whom I knew I could count on to be different, to be brave strong good and free. Who I could trust.

I was wrong to do that I guess.

I shouldn't have trusted them at all.

******************************************************

An exaggeration no doubt, I've just grabbed too tightly to people who didn't need it.

And turned my back as the good people drifted away.

Sigh.

Labels: feelings, lost, regrets

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White Hart Lane - @ 8:27 PM

Well we've got skrtel up against bale and Carragher ready to infuriate one more time.

King Kenny I hope you really know what you're doing.

Labels: soccer

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It Ends In Flames - @ 3:04 PM

Honestly I have no clue what he thinks he is.

I have no clue if he even knows who he's supposed to be.

I wouldn't give a shit except for the fact that there's no way to get him out of my life for the time being.

He could've asked nicely or reasoned it out with me and I would've listened. Yeah I might have ended up ignoring his opinion anyway but only if he steamrolled mine as well. Which you should know is more common than you think.

But he threatened me. He did.

I don't respond to threats very well, in fact I have a policy of flat out ignoring them.

I just don't take threats.

Oh what did you say? No responsibility over me any more? Alright, sounds pretty good, it means you stop talking to me right? Like you haven't been for the past um how many years?

Of course if you mean not talking to me AND giving me an endless stream of petty and nonsensical orders then whoopee.

I'm free.

No university education I hear you say.

Fine, that's alright. It means I won't owe you anything.

I'll work something out for myself thank you very much.

Jackass.

Labels: don't back down, family, rant

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If it's born in flames - Saturday, September 17, 2011 @ 9:14 PM

If you could see what's inside my heart, would you still treat me the same way?

For so many people, for so many reasons.

Most probably not.

Labels: fragments

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Hear the Socially Awkward - @ 12:28 AM

Hey there, I'm Ian, I came down today to watch you and I guess I got quite a few things to say. I've been like um um um for the past two times and since the third opportunity for me to do that seems a long time away, and well since I'm so ~~stupid~~ socially awkward I'm taking the time to write this. I hope you don't mind.

I'm the aspiring musician you see. About two years ago at the ripe old age of fourteen I acknowledged what I had known for most the later part of my young life then, that music was my passion and was the one thing I wanted to do and could see myself doing. I picked up a guitar and started singing a lot. A real lot. It was a dream of course, and I didn't quite half believe it was going to happen, but I considered it.

Everyone over knows what musicians are here, they don't earn a living, its stupid and impossible to try or even dream about becoming one. Go study another 4 hours and become a lawyer or something. Everything I saw just reinforced it, I watched Singapore idol and I saw as one by one as the contestants faded from memory, even the winners themselves. No one did it. Singer-songwriter in Singapore? Unless your name is Dick Lee and you want to migrate to Japan, or you're skilled in Chinese and have no qualms about a stay in China or Taiwan then forget it. I'm not exactly going proficient in Chinese in the next one hundred years or so so that kinda was it for me.

A while back, maybe more than a year ago I heard Rule the World on 987fm and I checked it out online. I discovered your music and I realised that hey, someone was actually doing it. That there was someone in this small dumb island who was actually writing music of her own, on her own, really amazing music as well. It totally blew my mind and really really let me dream a lot harder.

And two years on I've really gotten more serious about it. Still not serious enough I guess. I've picked up the uke, after giving up on the guitar especially since I'm as good as I was two years ago, which is to say very bad. Might give it a second shot though. I've written about nine songs I since I picked up songwriting last year I think...out of which about 3 or 4 have some worth. Oh well. I play keys for my church's youth band now. And that's it. I've run into problems actually doing anything with any material I have, I don't know that many people who share my passion, and I know zilch how to get started, and I certainly don't like sitting on my ass all day. (some might say I go to school, but that's just a distraction)

Oh I've been ranting again, but I guess I hope you understand a little why I'm so uhm..."um-ish" around you, and you'll excuse it at least. Yeah, I know its incredibly weird but uhm, oh well. Thanks for the photos, thanks for the autographs the handshake and the high fives. Thanks for bothering to talk to us. Most importantly thanks for the music and thanks for being my inspiration and hope for the future.

I hope you don't mind.

Now to find a way to get this to you. Urgh. I swear Ian for all your cyberstalking skills you're a complete retard.

Labels: dreams, music, open letter

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Lock Me Up Inside Your Garden - Friday, September 16, 2011 @ 1:37 AM

Sometimes I wish things were so simple.

That you know. We could just while our time away.

Like this.

Labels: happiness, music

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If Its Gonna End - Wednesday, September 14, 2011 @ 5:15 PM

Some relief has sunk in.

Some.

Well...somehow more than what was present sunk in.

Good in some ways I suppose, though in others, not.

Everything is neutral nowadays.

*****************************************

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."- Kurt Cobain.

So true my friend. So true.

Labels: fragments

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That's Not Why I Love You - Monday, September 12, 2011 @ 7:46 PM

Oh bother why did she have to do this.

I'm probably obnoxious but hey, I thought you didn't mind.....at least bother to reply and rebuff my conversation starters with a simple hello, I'm studying now, bye.

Am I really that.

Sigh.

Maybe.

But come on....at least tell me to my face so I'm not stuck here wondering.

....another Avril Lavigne lyric comes to mind.

Don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead

held up so high on such a breakable thread

But seriously.

What the hell girl, what the hell.

Please tell me you aren't doing this on purpose.

Or just tell me what I did, call me messed up and let me get over it.

Someone save me.

(Note, despite the presence of the lyrics of "My Happy Ending" this is not a breakup note, trust me a breakup note by me would be a lot sadder)

(and longer)

All this talking to you

I don't know what I should do

I don't know where I stand

What's inside of your head

You're just standing by

You're just wasting time

Why don't you just tell me the truth

About me and you?

Dammit

Labels: fragments, music, open letter

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From the ballroom floor - Sunday, September 11, 2011 @ 7:23 PM

Ack I think I just broke my voice by stupidly trying to sing hey soul sister in the original key.

I need some water.

I am so not a full blooded tenor

****************************************************

I really don't like the term homophobia.

It implies there's something wrong with people who "discriminate" against people who have that inclination.

I mean if I think its a disgusting thing to do, I'll discriminate against such people as much as I discriminate against robbers and the like.

For the record, my religion says I shouldn't.

Its yellow ribbon month dammit.

Ian your thoughts are in a swirl.

Labels: fragments

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You Don't Know Me - @ 1:32 AM

Sometimes I look into the night sky and wonder where all my friends went.

There aren't many I don't miss.

But for another breath of yours on my ear, to take away the solitude.

Maybe I can fix this, but you seem so far away.

What was I thinking when I let you slip away..

I look to the past, cause that's the only place where I can see hope now.

And the one place where I truly belonged just doesn't exist anymore.

I Wish You Were Here

Labels: feelings, nostalgia, open letter

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I'm not your toy - @ 1:29 AM

Don't treat me as less than what I am.

I don't you see.

I just don't.

Labels: fragments

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!@$@ - Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 9:19 PM

I swear Ian you need to get her off your mind. Its not healthy.

In the end, facebook has become all I feared.

Except the addicting source of games, at least I've kept off those.

*********************************************************

LFC lets beat em Potters.

Hit em Skrteldinho.

Labels: fragments

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Light of The World - Friday, September 9, 2011 @ 8:24 PM

I honestly forgot how refreshing spending time with God was.

I guess I've been avoiding him, for a whole host of reasons, I tell you I was horrified when Wee Theng asked me to go do worship, but I couldn't just say no.

So I dreaded it, I mean, I wasn't worthy to do worship. Really, not at all.

But after coming to God and doing the preparations I realised, that it doesn't matter. It's not about who is worthy to face him or not, because we are all worthy in his eyes.

The worse off we are, the more we need his presence, the more we need him. And when you come to God in prayer, he won't turn you away.

I thank God for the time he provided today. I really needed it.

On a side note, this song was played at that whatever anniversary conference for the EFC Singapore.

It's by The True Worshippers, the extension of the praise and worship team of Jakarta Praise Commmunity Church.

Its a powerful alt rock anthem, at least when I heard it, one of the most intense I have experienced. It sounds pretty good acoustic as well.

You know what. Scratch that. I just listened to the live full version. The acoustic is nothing compared to it. There aren't songs and performers good enough to capture people's attention for four or five minutes. But seriously the eight minutes and a half minutes of my time I spent listening to Glory to Glory was unbelievable.

So here's both. Enjoy!

Seriously full screen this

Labels: feelings, music, Sunshine

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Effortlessly.... - Thursday, September 8, 2011 @ 10:34 PM

funny.

Really.

That's something that would be at the top of all my self-improvement lists.

If not for the fact that it's kinda impossible for me to achieve.

Well I guess I can be funny, not effortlessly and certainly not in the way that I wish I could be.

Yeah, funny enough to attract attention but not in a good way.

You could go on and on and on and on and on.

If you ask girls for what they're looking for in the a guy.

Funny kinda features on 90% of the lists out there.

Its disgusting.

And they complain about guys being superficial.

I mean judging by looks is ~~kinda~~ very bad, but its not like funny is a substantive moral ethical characterial whateverial trait right.

It's just the ability to make other people laugh.

Deep much?

D'arvit.

Urgh.

Labels: my weird opinion

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Say Goodbye to my Heart Tonight - @ 8:17 PM

Right now, this song is the one thing rocking my world.

There's something about the drummer.

I better stop watching.

Haha

(;

Labels: music

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Win Some lose some - Wednesday, September 7, 2011 @ 9:57 AM

Sometimes I look back and I wonder if I did the right thing, to just say goodbye to you.

It's funny cause we've known each other for so long.

Truth is, we haven't been proper friends since forever.

You've never really treated me like someone who could understand, someone who was capable of thinking and all.

I suppose it's cause I took a little longer to grow up, but you treated me as if I never did.

And you still do.

Yeah we still see each other in school, we're classmates even, but hey you know there's nothing there. Nothing much between us anymore.

It sucks cause I know you're lonely, stressed and going crazy and full of emotional turmoil.

But its like I don't mean anything to you.

You have to understand my friend, its not that I've cut you off.

I've just simply stopped trying.

Still I wonder if I've made the right decision, I wonder if you were worth it. Hey buddy, you are a good person, but did you really have to treat me like that?

That's why I've stopped bothering. And I wonder if you even notice.

Labels: open letter

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Pulchritudinous - Monday, September 5, 2011 @ 5:35 PM

Why do things need to be so hard for no reason.

And once again my day gets blown away,

like weird flying comets around the milky way.

Oh why my heart, does this feeling have to stay,

And rhyme can give me no reason.

To forget the highest felony of treason.

*******************************************

But for a second I thought I knew you

And then you slipped away.

Lost forever, fading like a dying flower.

Beautiful, brilliant, but going and gone.

Once so close, but now out of reach,

What I thought we had, now a mockery of what had been before,

like the tentative farewell, on the last embers of a failing romance

We held forever in our palms, a forever of promise.

A promise of forever.

Yet time turns to loss, loss turns to grief

Comfort awaited, and comfort awaiting.

Briefly you extend your hand, but it shimmers into mist

A ghost of memory, risen out of desperation,

Leaving me wondering if that hand,

Was the only thing I thought I saw.

Loss turns to time, it too fades away

But to you my thoughts do turn,

in barren times of mind.

And the world just seems such a lonely place

When you don't have a hand to hold.

Labels: fragments, poetree

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It's a long way down - Sunday, September 4, 2011 @ 11:47 PM

"What the hell, is WRONG WITH YOU", he screamed into his phone, drawing the stares of the passers-by on the road. He was too pissed to care. Angry and frustrated he hung up, violently slamming the red button and jamming his earphones into his ears, once again tuning out the world in his angst, ignoring the car that had to brake suddenly as he stepped onto the road without any regard for his safety.

He allowed himself to feel angry, to let it show on his face, in everything he did. His face felt hot, and he felt the negative energy radiating out from his body in waves, affecting the people around him. He caught a glimpse of fear in the eyes of the people walking the opposite way, a risked glance and the hurried manner with which they moved on. He enjoyed it, and he fed off the perverse joy and the sense of power it gave him.

The strains of a melancholy song filtered into his ear, and his anger slowly dissipated, replaced by an overwhelming sense of emptiness. life is always hard, the song reminded him, and he slowed his walk to a hopeless amble, all fury spent.

He plodded his way to the mall, streams of people flowing and ebbing around him like the tide. Rushing and bending their way around him, heedless emotionless water. His eyes opened only so he could see where he was going, colours whirled around him but he saw nothing.

He saw...a man on a wheelchair, like him, marooned in the mass of people, a static island in the river currents, a stark figure of loneliness. Ignored by all, seen by none.

He moved slowly past a gesturing woman in her 40s, faint lines showing on her face as she held out flyers for him, oblivious to his lack of interest in her and the world at large. A few metres ahead he saw her colleague, a girl, young but older than him.

She looked right at him, her brown eyes studying him carefully. They locked eyes for a moment, and in her eyes he saw an understanding. He nearly stopped right there as they shared that small moment, the people around them oblivious to the change in him. After that moment which felt like forever, she gave him a considered smile and offered him a flyer. He took it.

He entered the shopping centre, he trudged up the stairs aimlessly, he wasn't too sure where he was going, he just knew that he had to keep moving. Just then another song started up, a song of encouragement, of empathy. Face tomorrow, tomorrow's not yesterday, the song urged him.

Pretty please, I know it's a drag,

He surrendered himself to the music, it was his only comfort now,

Wipe your eyes, and put out your head

Wish you could be happy instead

Closing his eyes he tried to remember, a different time, he couldn't really, but for a brief moment he saw a bright future, a future of hope.

There's nothing else I can do

But love you the best that I ca-

And that was it, he broke. Tears brimming, he finally fell, sinking to his feet in desperation. He cried, for all to see.

And the whole world stopped and stared.

Labels: music, stories

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Crystalline Coralescence - Saturday, September 3, 2011 @ 11:33 PM

The one week couldn't have come any earlier.

I've just been physically drained for a long time.

My irregular sleep schedule has been killing me. I guess.

*****************************************

Labels: fragments

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Spin a little tighter - @ 1:53 AM

Chill man she just looked at you. She waved and smiled...

Breathe a little. in....out....in...out..

Gosh. Tell me about it seriously

I'm turning red so often nowadays. Like right now...oh why..

Its disgusting.

And how much longer will it take to cure this, just to cure it cause I can't freaking ignore it.

*****************************************************

I love

Gah.

Does it even matter anymore

****************************************************

Labels: feelings, fragments, Love

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Saving me from sinking - Thursday, September 1, 2011 @ 10:53 PM

Its really great that the distance has just made us closer.

Somehow the rifts, and differences within the group have just been forgotten.

There's a very cool odd sense of closeness that I certainly didn't feel when I was in primary six.

But heck, its a good thing who am I to complain.

***************************************************

It's funny how people change when you don't.

Or at least not as much.

It was very strange seeing her and contrasting that picture with the one in my memory.

She's really not the same person.

For once, someone who I don't know at all knows me reasonably well.

Feels strange, and good.

I like version 2.0 better anyway.

Shhhhhh, version 2.0 probably likes me better too.

Labels: happiness, nostalgia, Sunshine

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