Not who I want to be, or a paragon of excellence, but just something that is not.

And I slip so easily into this alternate me.

I'm not talking about the times when I forget how to be me, when I lapse into awkwardness and begin rambling or acting different.

Okay, it is part of that.

But.

I'm talking about the times when I am who they say I am. The caustic, judgmental, quick firing quick hitting asshole. The last person you go to for sympathy. The brute with a dark sense of humor. The scum of the earth.

Maybe not all they say is bullshit.

But maybe its just like this cause of what they say.

I'm certainly not like this all the time in that place. But sometimes I am.

And ion the end, I've known him for so long, but I still don't know him.

Is that my fault?

I don't know.

Just another starstruck (see above for evidence*) wanderer trying to find his way in this horribly confusing and sometimes messed up world.

This space as you might have realised is for my own venting. It's where I talk, to myself. To the universe. It's where I don't lie. Much. Chances are you won't get more truth out of me than these few billion pages of angst.

My life isn't that bad. Sometimes. The good parts just usually end up being the blank dates in between the posts you see. So yes, just to practice my math and to cheer myself up a little, the number of posts is inversely proportional to my mental wellbeing. Yes that counts as math with me.

And despite the wry smile on my face and the grin I can imagine on yours, I'm still rather sombre.

I promise you I'm sunny somedays. Stick around. You never know what you may learn.

*hint may or may not be in big black font at the top of the page.